NFL Preseason Power Rankings

They’re done!

Apologies to those who kept a candlelight vigil waiting for my lazy ass to do these rankings…I am a piece of shit.

If you’re like me, then you hate this time of year.  The summer heat, annoying friggin’ bugs, even more annoying friggin’ kids, douchebag neighbors and their BBQ’s, blasting Steve Miller for the whole damn neighborhood to hear, and worst of all, no goddamn football.

But with training camp a few weeks away, I got off my fat ass and got to work.

So here you go…

1. PITTSBURGH STEELERS

With 20 of 22 returning starters, the Super Bowl Champs keep the top spot.  Hopefully the O-line can protect Ben Roethlisberger better than they did last year.  Class organization, envy of the NFL.

2. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS

Only the 2nd team to go 11-5 and miss the playoffs (the other being the 1985 Broncos), the Pats get Mr. BundchenTom Brady back from his knee injury.  Add RB Fred Taylor as a complement to Laurence Maroney, a decent draft, the hooded Belichick, and the Pats could find themselves back in the Super Bowl.  God I hate them.

3. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

A great off-season, punctuated with the pick-ups of OL Jason Peters, OL Stacy Andrews and CB Ellis Hobbs, plus a great draft (Maclin and McCoy) for the offense, add in a McNabb contract year and you could see the Eagles going far in the playoffs.

4. NEW YORK GIANTS

This team faded down the stretch after Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg.  The G-men drafted WR Hakeem Nicks to replace Burress, which will be tough shoes to fill for the rook.  They get back DE Osi Umenyiora to complement DE’s Mathias Kiwanuka and Justin Tuck, and they went out and beefed up their linebacking corps by signing Michael Boley and Chris Canty.  Offense though hinges on the play of Eli Manning.

5. ATLANTA FALCONS

One of the surprise teams of last year, the Falcons weakness was their 24th ranked defense, which they upgraded via the draft.  RB Michael Turner finally got a chance to show his stuff, and he didn’t disappoint.  Look for TE Tony Gonzalez to be a big go-to guy for QB Matt Ryan.

6. ARIZONA CARDINALS

Playing in the worst division helps the Cards, but so does having WR Larry Fitzgerald and, so far anyway, WR Anquan Boldin.  Greybeard Kurt Warner is still the starter presumably, but word is that Matt Leinart (remember him?) has re-dedicated himself to football, and may push Warner to start.  One prediction though…RB Chris “Beanie” Wells will NOT make a huge impact, and will probably be oft-injured this year.  Just sayin’ Cards fans.  Solid defense, but how will an unhappy Dockett play this year?

7. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS

Changes all over the place for the Colts–WR Marvin Harrison gone, O-line coach Howard Mudd gone, offensive coordinator Tom Moore gone, and biggest of all, head coach Tony Dungy gone.  But they still have QB Peyton Manning and his giant forehead calling 38 audibles on every play, and mercurial WR Reggie Wayne.  RB Donald Brown will help spell RB Joseph Addai at times.

8. CAROLINA PANTHERS

If they can figure out a way to keep DE Julius Peppers happy, and in town, the Panthers will contend in the NFC South.  They still have the RB combo of Jonathan Stewart and DeAngelo Williams, as well as WR Steve Smith, providing he doesn’t punch the shit out of any more teammates.  QB Jake Delhomme did his best Chad Pennington impersonation in their playoff loss to the Cardinals by throwing 6 picks, but is still serviceable.  The defense around Peppers needs to step up, but should get a lift from LB Jon Beason’s return to the field.

9. TENNESSEE TITANS

They lost DT Albert Haynesworth to free agency, and there is question marks around two important old bastards on offense, QB Kerry Collins and C Kevin Mawae.  Great RB combo in Chris Johnson and LenDale White, but receiving corps is lacking.  Jeff Fisher andhis mustache are legend in Tennessee.  Vince Young blows.  Good secondary, and LB Keith Bullock is always huge for Fisher’s defense.  Don’t expect another 11-0 start to this season though.

10. BALTIMORE RAVENS

Another surprise last year, but not 100% sure how they’ll do this year.  Joe Flacco played extremely well, but may have a second year letdown.  Lost a lot on defense, including coordinator Rex Ryan (head coach Jets), LB Bart Scott, and S Jim Leonhard.  Still have all-world S Ed Reed, and inspirational leader LB Ray Lewis leading the D.  RB Ray Rice should be better, and  C Matt Birk helps the O-line immensely.  Once again, it all comes down to Flacco.

11. CHICAGO BEARS

I miss Rex Grossman.  Now da Bears have whiny bitch Jay Cutler under center, a huge improvement from Sexy Rexy.  RB Matt Forte is solid.  An easy schedule helps.  Still a formidable defense, but with alot of wear on the tires.  Will challenge for the NFC North.

12. MINNESOTA VIKINGS

Unless the whole Brett Favre drama sinks this team, the Vikings can be very, very good.  RB Adrian Peterson is tops in the league.  WR Percy Harvin should flourish playing opposite Bernard Berrian.  If Favre doesn’t come to Minnesota (yeah right), it’ll be a QB battle between Tavaris Jackson and Sage Rosenfels.  Defense can be awesome, providing DT’s Kevin and Pat Williams aren’t suspended because of the whole “Star Caps” mess.  Not sure if a Favre signing moves this team up or down…chemistry counts in the NFL.

13. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS

It’s put up or shut up time for RB Reggie Bush, the USC standout who’s been pretty well a bust thus far in his career.  Offense is led by two of the best, QB Drew Brees, and WR Marques Colston.  Defense improved through free agency (Darren Sharper), and the draft (Malcolm Jenkins).  This team need more consistency under Sean Payton.  If defense plays well, the NFC South may be theirs for the taking.

14. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS

The benefactors of another weak division, questions arise over RB LaDainian Tomlinson’s returning to form, and whether LB Shawn Merriman can play at his previous pro-bowl level before last year’s knee injury.  As always, head coach Norv Turner is on the hot seat.  The Chargers are set at QB for a few years with Philip Rivers.

15. Houston Texans

A sexy pre-season pick last year, the Texans couldn’t overcome a myriad of injuries, most notably to QB Matt Schaub.  Make or break year for GM Rick Smith and head coach Gary Kubiak.  RB Steve Slaton was a shocker, and WR Andre Johnson may be the best in the game (at least 1A behind Fitzgerald).  They may be looking at a third 8-8 season in a row thanks to a tough schedule and tougher division.

16. GREEN BAY PACKERS

QB Aaron Rodgers finally got to play, and didn’t disappoint.  The Pack had issues on defense, which they hopefully upgraded through the draft and first round pick NT BJ Raji.  Worried about their shift to a 3-4 under Dom Capers, but expect them to get jacked at least twice if Favre plays for the Vikes.

17. MIAMI DOLPHINS

Don’t look for the Fins to repeat last year’s success.  The Wildcat won’t fool as many teams this time around, and Miami has one of the toughest schedules in the league. QB situation unresolved–is Chad Pennington still the starter, or is it Chad Henne time.  And where does QB/WR Pat White fit in.  DE Jason Taylor returns from the hell that is the Redskins, but age is catching up to him.

18. DALLAS COWBOYS

“America’s Team” is a misnomer.  Dallas was ranked as the most hated team in the league in a recent poll.  QB Tony Romo shed some weight recently–by dumping Jessica Simpson (HA!).  Romo in my opinion is an above average quarterback…not great, and relies on TE Jason Witten a little too much.  Chronic headaches T.O. and Pacman Jones are gone.  Can WR Roy Williams be the man?  RB Marion Barber is a beast, but losing Felix Jones last year hurt a lot.  If he stays healthy, the Dallas offense can put up a ton of points.

19. NEW YORK JETS

Is Mark Sanchez an upgrade over Kellen Clemens at quarterback?  New coach Rex Ryan is a defensive guru, and adding LB Bart Scott to the mix helps the defense right away.  Tough schedule and tough division, with a rookie quarterback, equals T-R-O-U-B-L-E!

20. BUFFALO BILLS

Buffalo, welcome to the T.O. show!  All misgivings aside, adding Owens at receiver instantly helps all-pro WR Lee Evans.  RB Marshawn Lynch is a game-breaker, providing he can stay out of trouble away from the stadium.  QB Trent Edwards is average…smart, good arm, injury-prone.  Pass rush needed help, so they drafted DE Aaron Maybin.  Is DE Aaron Schobel’s foot healed?  Dick Jauron looks like Skeletor.  Tough division, tough schedule, terrible coach.  Lucky to get to 7-9…again.

21. CINCINNATI BENGALS

May be a sleeper team…notice I said “may be.”  Loads of question marks.  QB position is not in question with Carson Palmer, as long as his elbow is good.  Keep Chad Ochochinco happy, let him “tweet” during games, and he may return to form.  Schedule is fairly easy.  Losing TJ Houshmandzadeh is huge.  Bengals put the “fun” in dysfunctional…that’s for sure.

22. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS

Injuries killed them last year.  Losing RB Fred Taylor hurts…will little Maurice Jones-Drew be able to shoulder the load.  Need more consistent play from QB David Garrard.  WR Torry Holt should help Garrard and the offense.  Head coach Jack Del Rio definitely on the hot seat.

23.TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS

Tough schedule, tough division, new coach, a bunch of QB’s on the roster.  The Bucs took a risk giving Kellen Winslow Jr. a ton of cash, what with his injury history.  Looks like QB Josh Freeman may start.  Unfortunately for Bucs fans, their team will be looking up at Carolina, New Orleans and Atlanta come seasons end.

24. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS

Gone is Mike Holmgren, replaced by Jim Mora Jr.  Not good.  What is good is LB Aaron Curry, who will improve that defense immediately, and will probably win NFL Defensive Rookie of the Year award.  Houshmandzadeh should catch a ton of passes from QB Matt Hasselbeck.  Once again, NFC West is very weak, so with a little luck, the Seahawks may contend.

25. WASHINGTON REDSKINS

Too much money on one guy, Haynesworth, but what do you expect from uber-douche Dan Snyder.  Throw in the fact that they were aggressively going after Cutler…what does that do for Jason Campbell’s confidence.  Haynesworth is a big dude, clogging up the hole in the middle of the line, but injuries are an issue.  Expect more internal fighting, and if the ‘Skins get off to a bad start, watch Snyder dump Jim Zorn faster than third period French.

26. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS

I love Mike Singeltary.  That being said, I wish he was actually playing for the 49ers.  But even if he was, who the hell is going to quarterback this team…Shaun Hill?  Alex Smith?  Me?  Hey, I couldn’t do any worse.  The Niners finished strong last year, going 5-2 to end the season.  RB Frank Gore and WR Michael Crabtree are the cornerstones of the offense.  If someone can actually throw the ball to Crabtree, he could have a monster rookie season.  That’s a big IF though.

27. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS

Bye bye Herm “You Play to Win the Game” Edwards and Carl Peterson.  Helloooo Todd Haley, last seen getting bitched out by Anquan Boldin in the Super Bowl.  This team needs a ton of work…RB Larry Johnson needs to show up again, and somehow this defense needs to improve.  If the Chiefs switch to a 3-4 defense, what happens to DT Glenn Dorsey?  Matt Cassel will NOT do well in KC this year…the Chiefs are not the Patriots.

28. CLEVELAND BROWNS

Is Eric Mangini a one year wonder?  Who will be the QB this year…Derek Anderson or Brady Quinn?  Does Jamal Lewis have anything left in the tank?  What’s the over/under on dropped balls by Braylon Edwards…15?  Losing Kellen Winslow Jr.  hurts bad…like “kick in the balls” bad.  The Dawg Pound is in for a torturous season.

29. DENVER BRONCOS

New coach Josh McDaniels is in trouble, and the season hasn’t even started.  The Broncos fans are used to winning seasons, thanks to the departed Mike Shanahan.  Add in the fact that Jay Cutler is gone, and the bearded wonder Kyle Orton looks like his replacement at QB, all I can say is…good friggin’ luck.  Division is weak, so that helps.  RB Knowshon Moreno will thrive in Broncos offense.

30. ST. LOUIS RAMS

Pity new coach Steve Spagnulo.  Too many holes on this team to fill in one offseason.  Can Marc Bulger take another beating like he did last year?  And who the hell is he gonna throw to?  Disgruntled RB Steven Jackson will shoulder the load on offense…at least the Rams have that going for them.

31. DETROIT LIONS

Hey, when you go 0-16, being 31 out of 32 teams is something right.  Good draft and good acquisitions means a better Lions team this year.  Daunte Culpepper will give way to Matt Stafford at quarterback fairly early in the season.  Hopefully taking over a team that just went winless won’t break the kid’s confidence.

32. OAKLAND RAIDERS

Two words Raiders fan–Al Davis.  The only owner worse than Dan Snyder.  Bad draft (thanks Al), and a defense that needs improvement (388 pts. allowed).  What do we expect from QB JaMarcus Russell this season?