Plaxico Burress, the former star wideout for the NY Giants, is getting ready for life behind bars by hiring a prison consultant.
No, not Mike Vick.
Burress, the numbnuts who shot himself in the thigh at a New York nightclub last November, pleaded guilty this past Thursday to a gun charge and agreed to a 2 year prison term when he is to be sentenced September 22nd.
To prepare himself for prison life, Burress hired a “prison consultant” to give him the lowdown on life behind bars.
“We are consulting with an expert in the field who will address and advise us, Mr. Burress and his family, on what to expect while incarcerated, and how to use his period of confinement as productively as possible,” said the attorney, Benjamin Brafman.
Now, I’m not sure what kind of insight this “expert” will give Plaxico, but here’s a guess…
1. when routinely being beaten by prison guards, protect your head and vital organs by assuming the fetal position.
2. only cry to yourself in the privacy of your cell…crying is a sign of weakness
3. biting your pillow helps when your cellmate is “coming in hard” so to speak
4. toothbrushes, when properly treated, make fine shanks
5. learn to walk in high heels
6. take up yoga…learn to put your ankles behind your ears
7. practice masturbating quietly
8. watch reruns of “Oz”
9. plan your “Redemption Tour”
10. don’t drop the soap (c’mon, you knew that would be on the list)
But it won’t be all bad for Plax…he’ll most likely spend the remainder of his term at a medium-security prison, after time spent at Downstate Correctional Facility in Fishkill, a maximum-security facility.
Hell, if he keeps his nose clean he can get almost 4 months off his term for good behavior.
Godspeed Plax. [NY Post]
