Sorry, I wasn’t sure just how many a’s and y’s to put in the title to convey the proper level of sarcasm for Jets WR Braylon Edwards’ incredibly lame prediction. Five seemed too many, and three not enough. So I settled on four.
Got a problem with that?
Edwards, king of the dropped passes, is pulling a Joe Namath. Sort of. Namath predicted a Jets win in Super Bowl III, and delivered as promised. It became part of NFL legend, and helped cement Namath’s status as one of the game’s all-time greats.
Braylon Edwards on the other hand, is a talented WR who couldn’t catch gonorrhea from a whore. That’s my clever way of saying he has bad hands. And it’s a safe bet to say that Edwards will never be considered in the same class as Joe Namath, drunk antics and all.
But that didn’t stop Edwards from making a bold prediction about the Jets upcoming week 17 game with the Cincinnati Bengals. It’s simple for the Jets–win and you’re in.
And, according to Edwards, that’s exactly what the Jets are gonna do.
“We won’t lose this game. We want it too bad,” Edwards said. “You can just talk to the guys and get a feel. You can listen to (coach Rex Ryan‘s) conviction when he talks to us.”
Go on.
“Guys are serious about winning this game,” he said. “Guys aren’t talking about New Year’s Eve. Guys aren’t talking about family. All guys are talking about is the playoffs … beating Cincinnati. I’m convinced this team is 100% in. I don’t think we can lose this game from the mindset we have right now, the attitude we have. I just don’t see it.”
Wow. That is some serious shit. Edwards better bring his “A” game on Sunday, and back up his prediction.
Or not. See, chances are the Jets are going to be facing the Bengals second-stringers, seeing that Cincy has zero to play for and will definitely be resting their starters. Oh, and those second-stringers–yeah, they’ll probably be laying down so that the Jets, and not the division rival Steelers, sneak their way into the playoffs.
Basically what I’m saying here is that even a dickweed like me could’ve made the same lame-ass prediction, but thanks anyway Braylon Edwards, a.k.a. Captain Obvious.
Think how ridiculous I’ll look if the Bengals roll the Jets on Sunday, though.
Not that I have anything against morons–I too was a moron once in my life. But even as a stupid, snot-nosed kid, I knew the difference between reckless fun and life-endangering stupidity. Mind you, I barely knew the difference, but I still knew it.
This kid here? Not so much. His name is Dean Garcia, he’s 18-years-old, and he’s a moron. He may also be the world’s worst Christmas tree surfer.
What’s that? You’ve never heard of Christmas tree surfing. Me neither, until this story. In laymen’s terms–you tie the tree to the back of a car, then have somebody ride the tree as it’s pulled along behind a car, usually at a speed guaranteed to render the mouth-breathing simp on the tree a big pile o’ goo should they fly off and hit something.
Now, after that detailed description, wanna guess what happened to old Deaner here?
With Garcia on the tree, being pulled behind an SUV, going 20-25 mph, in a residential area no less, the tree hit a speed bump, causing Dean and the tree to swing out and hit a parked car. No surprise, Dean ended up in hospital with a sore back and pain when breathing.
Now, after cheating death like that, you’d think this little prick would’ve learned his lesson. Right?
Think again, mogumbo.
When asked if he’d try his hand at Christmas tree surfing again, Garcia, showing all the wisdom of his youth, said never–”unless I’m in an open area.”
If this guy were in the Philippines, he'd be way, way happier (Image via Wikipedia)
If you happen to be in the Philippines in the next little while, expect to see a lot more people fishing. And I mean a lot. But if you think they’re out there for the sport of it, you’re way, way off.
The boon in fishing’s popularity in the Philippines has nothing to do with fish, and everything to do with hard drugs.
Make sense? It will after you read this.
No, these guys are not dropping acid before heading out to sea, or taking a hit of ecstasy to enhance a guys fishing weekend–they’re heading out in droves looking for cocaine bricks.
Wait…what?
Apparently drifting bricks of cocaine are being found by fisherman floating in the seas near some Philippine villages. It’s gotten so bad that many farmers and other workers have given up their regular jobs in order to go fishing for coke.
When the lucky anglers snag one of these bricks, they turn around and sell it, in order to supplement their income. You know, free enterprise and all that. And from the sounds of it, business is booming.
Of course, the government has to go and ruin everything. The Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency (PDEA) has gotten involved, and are patrolling the seas looking for the same illegal drugs that the poor fisherman are. So far the PDEA has gotten their grubby hands on 157 bricks of cocaine from various Philippine towns. The coke is believed to have been dropped off ships en route to a secret pirate island, a.k.a. Hong Kong.
Me, I’m rooting for the Philippine fisherman. Hey, finders keepers, losers weepers–right? Besides, is it really illegal to sell cocaine in the Philippines? Oh, it is? Still, I’m sure a little coke here and there isn’t addictive or potentially harmful. Just ask celebrity cocaine endorsers John Belushi, Ken Caminiti, River Phoenix or Chris Farley. [Inquirer]
This is long, long overdue, but as anyone who knows me, knows how much of a lazy, procrastinating douchebag I really am. That, and I’m a slow learner.
But in the short time that I’ve had The Last Angry Fan up and running, I have learned two things: 1) like anything else, you have to pay your dues, and 2) it’s good to have friends in high places.
Which brings me to Bob’s Blitz. In the world of sports blogs, there are the have and have nots. We are obviously in the latter group, and I’m sure you are aware of sites that fall into the former category (if not, think Deadspin, The Big Lead, The Sporting Blog and Sports by Brooks).
In a very magnanimous gesture, Bob Mantz Jr., the braintrust behind Bob’s Blitz, offered me an olive branch of sorts, when he did a wonderful profile of this site a few months back, and it’s time to repay the kindness.
Founded on 08/08/08, Bob’s Blitz offers an irreverent and often hilarious take on sports and pop culture. The Blitz quickly rose to fame after nailing an exclusive interview with Jenn Sterger, in which she cleared up a misrepresented issue she had with Erin Andrews.
From then on, you could find Bob’s Blitz showing up on Deadspin, The Big Lead, Sports Illustrated, and even the NY Post. Bob Mantz Jr.’s handsome mug has even appeared on the big screen, in Dice Rules, and on the small screen, with appearances on the old Morton Downey Jr. Show.
“Seething” – Yahoo! on Bob’s Blitz’ Senior International Insider, Bob Mantz, Jr. The NY Post’s Phil Mushnick wrote: “You hit lots of homers!” NY Newsday’s Bob Glauber, “Great work…one of the world’s top investigative journalists.” Sports Illustrated’s Jimmy Traina, “My first two thoughts were the same as Bob’s.”
I don’t think there’s a greater testament to Bob Mantz Jr.’s standing in the sports blog community than that quote there. So if you want to see how a sports blog should look like, and enjoy humor, biting wit and a touch of sarcasm, head to Bob’s Blitz.
Deadspin gives us the year in review…of telestrator dong. Because nothing is as funny as a crudely drawn wang. [Deadspin]
Flip Saunders thinks he could beat his underachieving Wizards players one-on-one. In other news, Flip Saunders is nuts. [Larry Brown Sports]
What the hell? Is Vinny Del Negro out or in as Chicago Bulls head coach? [The Big Lead]
Kentucky’s John Wall is really, really f*cking good at basketball. GO BIG BLUE! Duke sucks. [You Been Blinded]
The fine fellows at Unathletic have done it again…this time with a kick-ass video retrospective of Bird vs. Magic. [Unathletic]
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A quick shout out to our friends at The Slanch Report. They had a site makeover and it is awesome. Go check them out, give them some love, then come back here. You go now!
Either that or she had some money riding on the Sabres.
Whatever the reason, the weather did the Pittsburgh Penguins no favors on their Monday trip to Buffalo.
First off, blizzard conditions in the area, or as Buffalonians call it, a light dusting, forced the team to re-route their flight to nearby Niagara Falls, New York, which is about the same as the more-famous Niagara Falls, Ontario–minus the Canadians, quality beer and picturesque scenery.
From there came a pleasant 55 minute bus ride to downtown Buffalo. And by pleasant, I mean the bus got stuck on a snow-covered Buffalo street. And if you were wondering, no, those are not helpful residents giving the Pens bus a push.
Nope, that’s a group of Pens coaches and other personnel, being led by head coach Dan Bylsma, using their might to get the bus unstuck. Which they successfully did. Of course the men had to run to catch the now-moving bus, which was another sight in itself.
After all that, the Penguins players finally made it to their hotel rooms, safe and sound.
Hopefully their flight out of Buffalo, as they make their way to New Jersey to face the Devils, goes a little more smoothly than their flight in.
Oh, and Pittsburgh ended up losing 4-3 to the Sabres, after giving up a three-goal lead. No doubt having an exhausted coaching staff was the reason for the loss.
With the end of the first decade of the 2000′s only a few days away, you can’t swing a dead cat without seeing some shitty “Top 10″ list. And since we here are devoid of an original thought or idea, guess what we have for your viewing pleasure?
I know, I know…but really, did you expect anything else from us?
Now, the 2000′s offered up some pretty damn good sports flicks. Million Dollar Baby (in spite of it’s ridiculous ending), Friday Night Lights, Miracle and The Wrestler are just some of the good ones that if you haven’t seen, you should. Or not. Really, I make no money off people watching these films, so what the hell do I care.
But for every good sports movie, or any movie for that matter, there’s usually a shitload of awful ones to balance out the universe. So to speak.
And since we really hate our readers, here’s 10 of the worst, most putrid sports movies of the decade, each with some video goodness. Enjoy?
10. Radio (2003)
This was just another in a long line of terrible movies for Cuba Gooding Jr. post-Oscar win, and yet another of those feel-good, inspirational pieces of crap that tries way too hard to get the viewer to cry.
Now, it is based on a true story. Gooding plays James “Radio” Kennedy, a mentally-challenged young man, befriended by T.L. Hanna High School football coach Harold Jones, played by the usually watchable Ed Harris.
But really, watching Cuba’s portrayal of a mentally-challenged individual was so bad, it made Sean Penn’s turn in “Sam I Am” seem Oscar-worthy.
On a positive note, Cuba Gooding Jr. did win a Razzie for this role. So he can add that to his resume…right?
9. The Replacements (2006)
What else can you say about a movie that is loosely based on the 1987 NFL strike. From what I remember, the ’87 strike sucked, and the scabs sucked even worse. Now how could you make something like that even worse? How about Keanu Reeves starring as the scab quarterback, Shane Falco. And more cliches than your average athlete interview.
The opening scene of this crapfest has Reeves in scuba gear, throwing a bronze football trophy underwater. After the trophy travels about 10 feet or so, Reeves’ character begins celebrating.
As surreal as that opening scene was, the movie got worse. Even Gene “They Payed Me Up Front” Hackman couldn’t save this film.
This movie, as bad as it was, had two worthwhile things going for it–the uber-sexy cheerleaders and their stripperesque dance moves, and Keanu’s final quote…
“I know you’re tired, I know you’re hurtin’ … I wish I could say something that’s classy and inspirational … but it wouldn’t be our style. Pain heals, chicks dig scars … glory lasts forever.”
8. Rollerball (2002)
I have to be honest…I’ve never seen the original Rollerball, starring James Caan. But I know this much–Chris Klein is no James Caan. Never will be. Caan was “Sonny” Corleone in The Godfather. Klein was in the first two American Pie movies, and banged Katie Holmes for awhile.
Alright, the Holmes thing was pretty good, but this version of Rollerball isn’t.
Granted, it does have the always tasty Rebecca Romijn, brutal accent and all. This however is offset by Jean Reno, channeling his inner Snidely Whiplash.
Oh, and how could I forget token black guy LL Cool J.
After watching this sack of garbage, it’s easy to understand why Klein’s career never really quite took off.
7. Juwanna Man (2002)
Here’s all you need to know about Juwanna Mann…
NBA bad boy gets suspended indefinitely and loses everything
Said bad boy poses as a woman, plays in WUBA (a thinly-veiled reference to the upcoming WNBA)
Transvestite becomes WUBA star
Falls in love with teammate
learns what it means to respect women–and the game of basketball
Like most “guy in drag” movies, I still can’t believe that no body realizes that Juwanna Mann is actually a man. I mean, the chick has an Adam’s Apple for shit’s sake. Plus…he looks like and talks like a man dressing up as a woman.
Other than that, the movie follows the usual formulaic bad boy turns good boy routine. Hilarity ensues. But not really. Oh, and Tommy Davidson portrays every African-American stereotype in one character. Now that takes talent.
6. Summer Catch (2001)
Baseball movies are usually pretty good. Even the crappy ones are somewhat watchable.
Not this one.
It’s bad enough that it has Freddy Prinze Jr. as it’s star. The little guy tries so hard to be an actor, and do actorish things. But he’s terrible. And that’s being nice. At least his father was good.
Anyway, Summer Catch revolves around poor kid Prinze, minor-league pitcher looking to punch his ticket out of town. He gets a chance to play for the local team, which is stocked with annoying players all defined by their obnoxious characteristics (one likes fat girls, one is super shy around women, one is extremely cocky, etc.).
Of course, Prinze’s character falls in love with Jessica Biel, the rich-girl whose lawn Prinze mows. In the end he gets the girl, much to her father’s dismay. Blah blah blah. For a supposed baseball movie, there’s very little baseball playing in it. This goes well with the lack of chemistry between Biel and Prinze.
If you haven’t seen this pile of dreck, save your $5 and watch the one and only highlight of Summer Catch. It’s only 38 seconds long, so that should tell you how fabulous this film really is.
5. Driven (2001)
You honestly didn’t think a Sly Stallone movie would escape this list, did you? If you don’t remember Driven, don’t worry. Not many people do.
It’s basically Rocky at 6000 rpm, only this time Sly is playing Burgess Meredith’s role. Stallone plays Joe Tanto, a washed up Formula One driver pulled back into racing in order to train a rookie driver with potential.
That’s where the similarities end. As do any similarities to open-wheel racing, or anything remotely resembling auto racing in general.
The CGI is as horrible as the acting…and that’s saying a lot.
It descends into madness at exactly the same time the two main characters begin to race in their Formula One cars…through the streets of Chicago.
Seriously.
4. The Benchwarmers (2006)
This movie is your prototypical “dumb comedy”, with emphasis on the “dumb” and without the “comedy.” How’s that for a play on words, bitches.
Think of the three most annoying comedic actors you can think of–chances are you chose at least one who starred in this flick. Rob Schneider, David Spade and Jon Heder (aka Napoleon Dynamite) are three nerds who take on some bullies in a baseball tournament put on by one of the bullies insanely-rich father. The winner gets an amazing new stadium.
I found it odd how no one in the film thought that there was anything wrong with three strange looking, socially-retarded adults hanging around a bunch of kids. But hey, that’s just me.
All I can say is this movie has lots of fart and vomit jokes. If that’s your thing, go nuts.
3. Crossover (2006)
Honestly, I never even heard of this hoops movie until I researched this article. Chances are you’ve probably never heard of it either. And here’s why…
the lead character is named Tech
it’s rated 1.7 out of 10 on IMDB
it also stars that ultra-annoying Wayne Brady
Here’s a scene so bad that it’s hilarious…
From what I understand, it’s two hours of that. Really. So, for the love of cheese, never watch this movie. Ever.
‘Nuff said.
2. Who’s Your Caddy (2007)
I read a comment somewhere that labelled this film the “Black Caddy Shack.” Whoever wrote that needs to wash their eyes out–with bleach. See, Caddy Shack was hilarious…this movie, not so much.
Once again, you can tell how piss-poor a film will be by the actors starring in it (each new Nicholas Cage flick proves this theory). Big Boi, one-half of the rap outfit Outkast, stars as C-Note, a rap mogul looking to join a conservative, all-white country club. Why? You got me.
C-Note, of course, gets turned down. He then purchases the land (how?) on which the 17th green is situated. Then comes the shenanigans. It breaks down into a prankfest of streetwise rappers vs. uppity country-club snobs. Sweet sassy molassey.
Of special note is Jeffrey Jones, the club president, who pretty much plays his legendary character Ed Rooney from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.
1. Slap Shot 2: Breaking the Ice (2002)
I’ll admit I’m biased on this one. I love the original Slap Shot. Probably my all-time favorite, non-porn movie ever. Which is why it pained me to see this sequel released back in 2002. I knew it would suck balls.
And did it ever.
The premise basically sets up like this–25 years after the original movie, the Hanson brothers still play in the minor leagues. I’m guessing the team must be hard up for talent seeing that they have to pay three 50-something-year-old dudes to play hockey for them. Anywho, the Chiefs are sold to a new owner, who turn them into the Washington Generals of minor hockey, and ship them off to that hockey hotbed, Nebraska.
Wow.
And if that weren’t enough to get asses in the seats, the arguably worst Baldwin brother around, Stephen, stars as the Chiefs captain. Going from Paul Newman to Stephen Baldwin makes me throw up in my mouth a little lot. But my favorite character is the team owner, ably played by Hollywood nutjob Gary Busey.
I won’t bore you with the details, but sufficed it to say, the underdog Chiefs turn the tables on the Omaha IceBreakers. Because that’s the asstastic Hollywood way.
I was going to mention the equally horrific Slap Shot 3, but that would just be cruel.
To say Mikael Samuelsson is pissed at being left off the roster for the Swedish Olympic hockey team is an understatement. Samuelsson assumed he’d be a lock for the 2010 Olympic squad, seeing that a) he’s a fairly decent NHL forward, and b) he was on the 2006 gold-medal winning Swedish team.
But nope, Samuelsson got royally shafted by coach Bengt-Aake Gustafsson, and when asked about it, let the whole program know he ain’t happy.
Samuelsson’s statement is nothing short of priceless.
“I pretty much have one comment and maybe I’ll regret it,” Samulesson said. “But they can go fuck themselves. That’s what I really think.”
Swish! Booyah! Generic exclamatory catchphrase!
And if that didn’t guarantee Samuelsson would have no chance of being an emergency replacement come February, he’s let it be known that if Gustafsson needs him as an injury call-up, the answer is a definite no.
“Not a chance,” he said after Vancouver’s 5-1 win over the Flames. “If he doesn’t want me, he doesn’t want me.”
And that’s all Mikael Samuelsson has to say about that. [Vancouver Sun]
Stan Van Gundy’s not a big fan of NBA games on Christmas day. But why did he have to insult all the angry loner’s who have nothing better to do than watch those games? [Can't Stop the Bleeding]
Gilbert Arenas likes storing guns in his locker–I mean the one he has at the Verizon Center. Never a good idea. [Larry Brown Sports]
R.I.P. George Michael. No not that one, or that one. Yes, that one, the famous sportscaster. [Stet Sports Blog]
Sarah Thomas became the first woman to referee a college bowl game. First they get the right to vote, then they can join the army, now this? [You Been Blinded]
Ron Artest fell down the stairs on Christmas and ended up with a concussion. That’s his story and he’s sticking to it. [With Leather]
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Hope everyone had a great Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Ramadan/Other. Thanks for your continued support.
I don’t ski. Tried it once–but quickly found that I lacked the co-ordination and athletic ability required to shush down a hill without killing myself. Well that, and the fact that I almost ended up with a ski pole up my ass.
I may have to give skiing another try though–as long as I do it in Breckenridge, Colorado.
Wanna know why?
Because Breckenridge has become only the second city in the U.S. to legalize cannabis.
Yee-fucking-haw.
Come January 1, there will be no penalty, civil or criminal, for possessing up to an ounce of weed. Same goes for weed paraphernalia, such as bongs, pipes or papers. The law includes local residents and visiting tourists.
But listen up all you snowboarding potheads–don’t think you can take massive bong rips while you’re on the slopes. If you do, the ski resorts will come down hard on your ass. In your hotel room? That’s a maybe. It all depends if you can score it. Because it will still be illegal to buy, sell or grow marijuana in Breckenridge.
Hopefully more cities will follow suit, and start relaxing their marijuana laws. Only because there’s a lot more places I want to legally get high in. No word yet on whether Ross Rebagliati is planning on a move to Breckenridge.
