With the end of the first decade of the 2000’s only a few days away, you can’t swing a dead cat without seeing some shitty “Top 10” list. And since we here are devoid of an original thought or idea, guess what we have for your viewing pleasure?
I know, I know…but really, did you expect anything else from us?
Now, the 2000’s offered up some pretty damn good sports flicks. Million Dollar Baby (in spite of it’s ridiculous ending), Friday Night Lights, Miracle and The Wrestler are just some of the good ones that if you haven’t seen, you should. Or not. Really, I make no money off people watching these films, so what the hell do I care.
But for every good sports movie, or any movie for that matter, there’s usually a shitload of awful ones to balance out the universe. So to speak.
And since we really hate our readers, here’s 10 of the worst, most putrid sports movies of the decade, each with some video goodness. Enjoy?
10. Radio (2003)
This was just another in a long line of terrible movies for Cuba Gooding Jr. post-Oscar win, and yet another of those feel-good, inspirational pieces of crap that tries way too hard to get the viewer to cry.
Now, it is based on a true story. Gooding plays James “Radio” Kennedy, a mentally-challenged young man, befriended by T.L. Hanna High School football coach Harold Jones, played by the usually watchable Ed Harris.
But really, watching Cuba’s portrayal of a mentally-challenged individual was so bad, it made Sean Penn’s turn in “Sam I Am” seem Oscar-worthy.
On a positive note, Cuba Gooding Jr. did win a Razzie for this role. So he can add that to his resume…right?
9. The Replacements (2006)
What else can you say about a movie that is loosely based on the 1987 NFL strike. From what I remember, the ’87 strike sucked, and the scabs sucked even worse. Now how could you make something like that even worse? How about Keanu Reeves starring as the scab quarterback, Shane Falco. And more cliches than your average athlete interview.
The opening scene of this crapfest has Reeves in scuba gear, throwing a bronze football trophy underwater. After the trophy travels about 10 feet or so, Reeves’ character begins celebrating.
As surreal as that opening scene was, the movie got worse. Even Gene “They Payed Me Up Front” Hackman couldn’t save this film.
This movie, as bad as it was, had two worthwhile things going for it–the uber-sexy cheerleaders and their stripperesque dance moves, and Keanu’s final quote…
“I know you’re tired, I know you’re hurtin’ … I wish I could say something that’s classy and inspirational … but it wouldn’t be our style. Pain heals, chicks dig scars … glory lasts forever.”
8. Rollerball (2002)
I have to be honest…I’ve never seen the original Rollerball, starring James Caan. But I know this much–Chris Klein is no James Caan. Never will be. Caan was “Sonny” Corleone in The Godfather. Klein was in the first two American Pie movies, and banged Katie Holmes for awhile.
Alright, the Holmes thing was pretty good, but this version of Rollerball isn’t.
Granted, it does have the always tasty Rebecca Romijn, brutal accent and all. This however is offset by Jean Reno, channeling his inner Snidely Whiplash.
Oh, and how could I forget token black guy LL Cool J.
After watching this sack of garbage, it’s easy to understand why Klein’s career never really quite took off.
7. Juwanna Man (2002)
Here’s all you need to know about Juwanna Mann…
- NBA bad boy gets suspended indefinitely and loses everything
- Said bad boy poses as a woman, plays in WUBA (a thinly-veiled reference to the upcoming WNBA)
- Transvestite becomes WUBA star
- Falls in love with teammate
- learns what it means to respect women–and the game of basketball
Like most “guy in drag” movies, I still can’t believe that no body realizes that Juwanna Mann is actually a man. I mean, the chick has an Adam’s Apple for shit’s sake. Plus…he looks like and talks like a man dressing up as a woman.
Other than that, the movie follows the usual formulaic bad boy turns good boy routine. Hilarity ensues. But not really. Oh, and Tommy Davidson portrays every African-American stereotype in one character. Now that takes talent.
6. Summer Catch (2001)
Baseball movies are usually pretty good. Even the crappy ones are somewhat watchable.
Not this one.
It’s bad enough that it has Freddy Prinze Jr. as it’s star. The little guy tries so hard to be an actor, and do actorish things. But he’s terrible. And that’s being nice. At least his father was good.
Anyway, Summer Catch revolves around poor kid Prinze, minor-league pitcher looking to punch his ticket out of town. He gets a chance to play for the local team, which is stocked with annoying players all defined by their obnoxious characteristics (one likes fat girls, one is super shy around women, one is extremely cocky, etc.).
Of course, Prinze’s character falls in love with Jessica Biel, the rich-girl whose lawn Prinze mows. In the end he gets the girl, much to her father’s dismay. Blah blah blah. For a supposed baseball movie, there’s very little baseball playing in it. This goes well with the lack of chemistry between Biel and Prinze.
If you haven’t seen this pile of dreck, save your $5 and watch the one and only highlight of Summer Catch. It’s only 38 seconds long, so that should tell you how fabulous this film really is.
5. Driven (2001)
You honestly didn’t think a Sly Stallone movie would escape this list, did you? If you don’t remember Driven, don’t worry. Not many people do.
It’s basically Rocky at 6000 rpm, only this time Sly is playing Burgess Meredith’s role. Stallone plays Joe Tanto, a washed up Formula One driver pulled back into racing in order to train a rookie driver with potential.
That’s where the similarities end. As do any similarities to open-wheel racing, or anything remotely resembling auto racing in general.
The CGI is as horrible as the acting…and that’s saying a lot.
It descends into madness at exactly the same time the two main characters begin to race in their Formula One cars…through the streets of Chicago.
4. The Benchwarmers (2006)
This movie is your prototypical “dumb comedy”, with emphasis on the “dumb” and without the “comedy.” How’s that for a play on words, bitches.
Think of the three most annoying comedic actors you can think of–chances are you chose at least one who starred in this flick. Rob Schneider, David Spade and Jon Heder (aka Napoleon Dynamite) are three nerds who take on some bullies in a baseball tournament put on by one of the bullies insanely-rich father. The winner gets an amazing new stadium.
I found it odd how no one in the film thought that there was anything wrong with three strange looking, socially-retarded adults hanging around a bunch of kids. But hey, that’s just me.
All I can say is this movie has lots of fart and vomit jokes. If that’s your thing, go nuts.
3. Crossover (2006)
Honestly, I never even heard of this hoops movie until I researched this article. Chances are you’ve probably never heard of it either. And here’s why…
- the lead character is named Tech
- it’s rated 1.7 out of 10 on IMDB
- it also stars that ultra-annoying Wayne Brady
Here’s a scene so bad that it’s hilarious…
From what I understand, it’s two hours of that. Really. So, for the love of cheese, never watch this movie. Ever.
2. Who’s Your Caddy (2007)
I read a comment somewhere that labelled this film the “Black Caddy Shack.” Whoever wrote that needs to wash their eyes out–with bleach. See, Caddy Shack was hilarious…this movie, not so much.
Once again, you can tell how piss-poor a film will be by the actors starring in it (each new Nicholas Cage flick proves this theory). Big Boi, one-half of the rap outfit Outkast, stars as C-Note, a rap mogul looking to join a conservative, all-white country club. Why? You got me.
C-Note, of course, gets turned down. He then purchases the land (how?) on which the 17th green is situated. Then comes the shenanigans. It breaks down into a prankfest of streetwise rappers vs. uppity country-club snobs. Sweet sassy molassey.
Of special note is Jeffrey Jones, the club president, who pretty much plays his legendary character Ed Rooney from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.
1. Slap Shot 2: Breaking the Ice (2002)
I’ll admit I’m biased on this one. I love the original Slap Shot. Probably my all-time favorite, non-porn movie ever. Which is why it pained me to see this sequel released back in 2002. I knew it would suck balls.
And did it ever.
The premise basically sets up like this–25 years after the original movie, the Hanson brothers still play in the minor leagues. I’m guessing the team must be hard up for talent seeing that they have to pay three 50-something-year-old dudes to play hockey for them. Anywho, the Chiefs are sold to a new owner, who turn them into the Washington Generals of minor hockey, and ship them off to that hockey hotbed, Nebraska.
And if that weren’t enough to get asses in the seats, the arguably worst Baldwin brother around, Stephen, stars as the Chiefs captain. Going from Paul Newman to Stephen Baldwin makes me throw up in my mouth a little lot. But my favorite character is the team owner, ably played by Hollywood nutjob Gary Busey.
I won’t bore you with the details, but sufficed it to say, the underdog Chiefs turn the tables on the Omaha IceBreakers. Because that’s the asstastic Hollywood way.
I was going to mention the equally horrific Slap Shot 3, but that would just be cruel.