I had my bike stolen once, when I was about 13-years-old, and it pissed me off so much that I accidentally kicked a dog walking home.
OK, replace the word accidentally with the word repeatedly, and the word dog with the word homeless person. But you can see how upset I was. And troubled.
Ian Laperriere of the Philadelphia Flyers is a little perturbed as well. No, his bike wasn’t stolen. Neither was his luggage. Nope, thieves made off with something a little more personal…his teeth.
And before your conspiracy theorist-like mind goes into maximum overdrive, thieves didn’t drug Laperriere and make off with his pearly whites as part of some black market tooth selling racket or anything “urban legendish” like that (did I just use the word “legendish”?).
Laperriere took a puck to the face way back on Black Friday, losing four teeth on the play. He recently had a mold taken in Haddenfield, New Jersey, which was then sent to Los Angeles for some unknown reason, then made a stopover in Louisiana. Because if anyone knows teeth, it’s the fine folks of Louisiana.
When the teeth finally reached Laperriere, there was one small problem–the box was empty. No teeth. Officials believe the choppers were swiped while being heldover in Louisiana.
“The mold were taken in Haddenfield then sent to Los Angeles and for some reason, the teeth made a stopover in Louisiana,” Laperriere said. “They were making me a new bridge. When I get done playing they will screw it in. For now, I could take another shot at my face, so I need two bridges. One on the top and one on the bottom.”
It’s understandable why Laperriere is upset. Have you seen the guy? Face like a can of smashed assholes. At least with his new teeth he’s somewhat less repugnant.
And don’t think I didn’t notice the teeth went missing in the great state of Louisiana. It’s just that I took the high road for once in my life, and refrained from cracking the all-too-obvious redneck/teeth joke.
But please, feel free to indulge yourselves though.