Dear Ralph Wilson Jr.,
Thank you for the offer to interview and/or coach the Buffalo Bills football team. However, at this time I must decline the offer, because the thought of becoming head coach of your organization is as appealing as doing a pelvic exam on Rosie O’Donnell. Please, do not contact me again, or I will be forced to pursue legal action against you.

Sincerely,
Mike Shanahan
Bill Cowher
Marty Schottenheimer
Brian Schottenheimer
Jim Harbaugh
Jon Gruden
Russ Grimm

What happened to you, Buffalo?  What happened to us?  It used to be different–remember the 1990′s?  Ah, the glory days of Kelly, Thurman, Andre and Bruce, of four straight Super Bowl appearances, of national relevance.  How have you gone from that, to the least attractive coaching gig in the NFL?

OK, so it’s probably not as melodramatic as I make it out to be, but you gotta admit, it’s pretty humiliating to be a Buffalo Bills fan.  Living as close as I do to the B-Lo, I’m privy to the goings-on of the city’s NFL team, and their pathetic attempt at landing a coach.

To say it’s been abysmal is an understatement.

When the season finished, Bills fans began foaming at the mouth, thinking about the attractive, big-name coaching candidates out there. More excitement followed after Ralph Wilson Jr. let it be known that money would be no option.   Mike Shanahan, Bill Cowher, Mike Holmgren and Jon Gruden were some of the A-list names being thrown around.

Shanahan, after a 7 hour meeting with the Bills brass, said no.  But said yes to the overbearing, always meddling Dan Snyder and the Redskins.

Cowher, now co-hosting The NFL Today on CBS, also refused, after a “stealth” meeting with the Bills.

Holmgren chose Cleveland over Buffalo.  That one hurt.

Gruden, while never contacted, made it clear to everyone listening he is happy in the Monday Night Football booth, by way of signing a contract extension with ESPN.

For Bills fans, missing out on these guys hurt, but wasn’t altogether expected.  No, the real humiliation was yet to come.

Now, there’s only 32 head coaching jobs in the NFL.  Pretty exclusive company.  And currently the Bills head coaching position is the only one available.  So, you’d think the “hot” offensive/defensive coordinators would be chomping at the bit for the Bills job.

Think again, jerkass.

Brian Schottenheimer of the Jets–nah.

Russ Grimm of the Cardinals–pass.

Leslie Frazier of the Vikings–eh, maybe.

The Bills even made a final, Hail Mary, reeking of desperation olive branch to Jim Harbaugh, head football coach at Stanford, offering him the job.  Guess what his answer was.

So, now almost three weeks later, and Leslie Frazier is the leading candidate for the Bills head coaching job.  By default.  The two sweetest words in the English language…de fault.  Simpsons reference–nice!

But why?

Why is the Buffalo turning into the Siberia of coaching jobs?  Even less attractive than coaching the Raiders.  I think I might have the answer(s).

First there’s the uncertainty of the franchise.  Ralph Wilson Jr. is 91-years-old, or 13 in dog years.  Not to sound morbid, but every day the man doesn’t wake up dead is a miracle.  But as far as we know, there’s no contingency plan in place for the team after his death.  He’s stated time and time again he’s not leaving it to his family, and he refuses to sell the team while he’s still on this side of the grass.  So do the Bills become the Toronto Bills, or LA Bills after Wilson passes away?

Second is the team itself.  More specifically, how terrible it is.  Pick an NFL franchise, any one, and try and picture one player that you could call the “face” of the franchise.  Fairly easy right?  More often that not, that player is the quarterback.  Brady is the face of the Patriots, Manning for the Colts, Manning for the Giants,  Brees for the Saints, Roethlisberger for the Steelers.  Ray Lewis for the Ravens, and Chris Johnson for the Titans are exceptions, but you get my point.  Either way, pretty well every NFL team has one of those players, and more often than not, it’s their QB.

Now, think about the Bills.  Who is their “franchise” player?

It’s definitely not one of the quarterbacks.  There’s a good chance that two of the three QB’s on last year’s roster won’t be on the team when the 2010 season starts.

Marshawn Lynch?  Thug, one incident away from league-imposed suspension.  Lost his job to Fred Jackson.

Lee Evans?  Nice player, great receiver.  Quiet, unassuming guy.  Not a superstar.

Paul Posluszny?  Maybe in a couple of years…if he can stay on the field.

Brian Moorman?  If your punter is your best player/face of the franchise, you’re in serious, serious trouble.

And there you have it.  The Bills lack of talent, especially at the quarterback position, is a major turnoff.  Add in the fact that their past draft history has ranged from poor (Donte Whitner, #8 overall), to brutal (Mike Williams, #4 overall), and the gaping holes at multiple positions (QB, LB, OL, WR), makes the Bills head coaching gig seem like a giant black hole, devoid of light, hope, or chance of success.

It certainly is a sad state of affairs for this once-proud and successful franchise.  Very sad indeed.