Home / 2010 / January (Page 3)

• Who Will Land the Tiger Woods Redemption Interview?

  In Featured, More Sports

  

  We haven’t seen hide nor hair of Tiger Woods since the end of November.  Seriously, not even the stealthiest of paparazzi has been able to snap a picture of this guy.  I guess when a guy with his kind of money wants to just drop off the face of the Earth, he does so.  Literally.

  But he will have to resurface at some point, in order to get his life back in some semblance of order.  Word is that he’s in a clinic somewhere in South Africa Hattiesburg, Mississippi, being treated for sex addiction.  Considering how many whores women he’s been linked to, Woods may be there for a while.  A long, long, long while.  I’m sure his dong will appreciate the rest.

  My uneducated guess is that shortly after his stint in rehab, he’ll present himself to the public.  The new and improved, free of sexual addiction, ready to get my life back on the right path, Tiger Woods.  The real question is not so much when, but how.

  I can’t see Tiger waiting until a post-tournament press conference to answer questions about his infidelity–talk about suicide.  And there’s no way he can just dodge the media for the remainder of his playing days–unless he plans on quitting golf to run an escort service, stocked with the multitudes of women he’s supposedly slept with.

  His best, and probably only option at this point…the good old, one-on-one sit down interview.  But with whom?

  Expect Vegas to be coming out with a line on who will score the Tiger Woods interview in due time.  Until then, these half-assed, unscientific odds on who the lucky interviewer will be will just have to do.

  ________________________________________

  LARRY KING

  The oft-married stalwart of CNN might not be a bad choice for Tiger, since tough, probing questions are not King’s forte.  Plus he’s old…really, really old.  Chances are he’d forget why Tiger was even there in the first place, or worse.  And by worse, I mean I’m pretty sure King wears adult diapers on the air.  You know where I’m going with this.

  Call-ins to the show would definitely not be allowed, for obvious reasons.  If Tiger and his handlers allowed viewers to call in–let’s just say, it’d be uglier than the Perkins waitress Tiger was nailing.

  Rimshot!

  Odds: 8-1

  ________________________________________

  MIKE WALLACE (60 MINUTES)

  Before you even ask, yes, Mike Wallace is still on 60 Minutes.  The guy’s gotta be closing in on a 100-years-old by now, but I give him credit–he’s still got all his faculties (wish I could say the same).  If Woods wanted a credible interview from a credible reporter, he’d be wise to go with Wallace.  Tough, hard-hitting–if Tiger could handle being interviewed by Mike Wallace and live to tell about it, it’d go far in building up his tattered reputation.

  Odds: 9-2

  ________________________________________

  JIM NANTZ

  

  Jim Nantz is, without a doubt, one of the great sportscasters of our day.  Affable, charming, well-spoken, and golf savvy, he’s very familiar with Tiger Woods.  Plus he always calls the Masters, Tiger’s “tournament” of sorts.  So I doubt he’d be very hard on Woods.  And let’s not forget his recent divorce, when he revealed that he was dating a much younger woman while still married.  So the two can relate on that level–you know, the level of messing around on their wives.

  Odds: 3-1

  ________________________________________

  DAVID LETTERMAN

  With all the crap being slung back and forth between Conan O’Brien, Jay Leno and NBC, it’s easy to forget that the best of the bunch is still over there on CBS.  Letterman would be ideal for Woods, if he was looking for a) an interviewer to keep things lighthearted, and b) a celeb who’s dealt with the similar transgressions.  Too bad it won’t happen though.  Because of the alleged face-bashing Woods received from wife Elin Nordegren, and the fact that Tiger’s two kids are caught in the middle, maybe lighthearted wouldn’t be the best route to take.  But you never know.  Letterman is still a top-notch interviewer.

  Odds: 9-5

  ________________________________________

  MATT LAUER

  Matt Lauer is a kickass journalist.  No doubt he would be tough on Woods.  Don’t believe me, check out his interview with Tom Cruise from a few years ago.  Even though Lauer is a golf fan, I highly doubt he’d go easy on Eldrick.  Would definitely be an entertaining interview, especially if Tiger goes on the defensive.

  One drawback–Al Roker.  Catch 5 minutes of the Today Show, and you’ll understand what I mean.

  Odds: 3-2

  ________________________________________

  OPRAH WINFREY

  The Queen of Daytime is my odds-on-favorite to get Tiger Woods on her couch for a little chat.  She’s definitely got the pull.  Add to the fact that this may be her last season on the air, she’s an African-American female, and one of the most powerful people in showbiz makes me think she’s a lock to get Tiger to sit down with her.

  Despite being so damn pretentious, Oprah’s method of making her guests feel relaxed, and asking tough, but not probing, questions might make Tiger really, really open up–perhaps even letting us in on a few more salacious secrets.

  Now tell me you wouldn’t tune in to see that.

  Odds: 6-5

  [All Images via Wikipedia]

   

• Bettis: Bill Cowher “Holding Out” For Giants Head Coaching Gig

  In Featured, NFL

  

  Thank you Mr. Bettis for that interesting little nugget of information.  In an interview with Chris “Mad Dog” Russo on Sirius XM earlier today, former Steelers running back, and apparent confidante of Bill Cowher, Jerome Bettis, let “Mad Dog” and his listeners on a poorly-kept secret.

  Bill Cowher wants to be the NY Giants head coach.  Which is a problem, seeing that they already have a coach in Tom Coughlin, who but two short years ago took the Giants to the Super Bowl, and won.

  “That’s the team that he really coveted,” Bettis said. “This is where he always wanted to be. The Mara family, he’s been very close to them. … He’s known them very well and was on the inside track – before the Giants won the Super Bowl – for that job. And I think he’s holding out for that opportunity if it presents itself.”

  Bettis also thinks that Coach Chin will be spitting in Giants players faces in the near future.

  “He would have definitely gotten the job (after the 2007 season, if the Giants hadn’t gone on a run),” Bettis said. “And if Coughlin doesn’t get that team back in the right direction next year I think they’ll pull the plug.”

  When you think about it, it does seem to answer the question, “why is Cowher content to spend Sunday afternoons on a CBS sound stage with four other dickwads?”  Coach Chin is always at the top of team’s wish lists when it comes to filling coaching vacancies, having already been interviewed by the Buffalo Bills, and I’m sure the Raiders will come calling whenever Al Davis’ heart starts beating again and he cans Tom Cable.

  It certainly throws a monkey wrench in the much-believed rumor that Cowher was/is waiting for the top spot with the Carolina Panthers, a position currently held by John Fox.  But if anyone knows Bill Cowher’s thought process, outside of his immediate family, it might just be one Jerome Bettis.

  [NY Daily News, Image via Wikipedia]

   

• Because You’ll Want to Look Your Best When Things Get All Stabby

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  Nothing will ruin a good soccer match like a stabbing.  Actually, a stabbing will ruin pretty well everything, what with the blood, screaming and probable death.

  If you don’t know, the 2010 World Cup in South Africa is going to be huge.  And, like any event of this nature, security is an issue.  But even with the enhanced security sure to be found at the World Cup, it may not be enough.

  But not too worry…Protektorvest has got you covered.

  As you can tell from their ad, you can now get your very own personalized body armour, with KR-1 stab resistant protection level, which is infinitely better than all those suckers wearing body armour with only KR-2 stab resistant protection level.  But wait, there’s more.  Now you can get your protective vest embroidered with your country’s flag, for only $2 extra.

  Because nothing says “true fan” like World Cup themed body armour.

  So, when things start getting all stabby, you’ll be safe in your Protektorvest body armour.  And you’ll look good doing it.

  The kicker though has to be the fact that company will donate $1 from each order to “knife crime charities.”  If anyone can tell me the name of a “knife crime charity,” please do so, because I’m dying to know.

  [Protektorvest via Off the Post]

   

• Your Morning Wood for January 14th

  In Featured, linkgasm

  

  Wezen-Ball has written the greatest thing on the Internet ever.  They compiled, in great detail, Charlie Brown’s pitching stats.  Yes, that Charlie Brown.  I’m semi-hard just thinking about it. [Wezen-Ball]

  Remember buddy who “created” the Tiger Woods “Unfaithful” brand of Gatorade in Colorado.   Yeah, he’s busted and is now being charged with felony food tampering. [The Smoking Gun]

  Confused about the Mark McGwire steroids admission?  Sir Charles Barkley will set you straight–maybe. [Sportress of Blogitude]

  Rex Ryan…brash, cocky, great head coach, or classless, arrogant jerk?  27pitches thinks it’s a combination of both.  And I agree. [27pitches]

  Vanessa Lopez likes basketball players…a lot.  Too much to be healthy really. [The Slanch Report]

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  Don’t be a douchebag–donate whatever you can spare for the people of Haiti.  Whether it’s $5, or some blankets you have lying around the house, anything.  That’s a horrific scene down there, and they need anything we can give.  Just contact the Red Cross for more info.

  Oh, and R.I.P. Teddy Pendergrass.

   

• Plaxico Gets No Love From Wife in Bid For Early Release

  In Featured, NFL

  

  Having never been to prison, I have no idea how the legal system works.  Apparently though, you can ask to get out early, I’m assuming, if you’ve been the model of good behavior.  I’m also going to assume you’d need some references to step up on your behalf, to help sway the court’s decision in your favor.

  Remember Plaxico Burress, the former NY Giants receiver who decided he needed more breathing holes in his leg?  Yes, Plaxico applied for early release, just a few months into his two-year sentence.

  To say it didn’t go very well would be an understatement.

  Not surprisingly, Burress’ bid for early release was denied last week.  Surprisingly, Plax didn’t receive a shitload of support from those close to him.

  The NFL?  Nope.

  Former teammates?  Nyet.

  His wife?  Negative.

  His bailbondsman?  Sure.  And that was it, save for a plea from his lawyer (obviously).

  That’s pretty cold, man.  Not even the dude’s wife supported his petition for early release.  However, when you consider what kind of idiot she married, she may be the smartest woman on the planet.

  [NY Daily News]

   

• It’s a Good Thing Natalie Gulbis is So Damn Good Looking…

  In Featured, GOLF

  

  …because her knowledge of historical landmarks is atrocious.

  Gulbis, Michelle Wie and the rest of the Solheim Cup team were in Washington D.C. to meet President Obama, one of their rewards for winning the 2009 Solheim Cup.

  A little sightseeing ensued, and Gulbis and Wie had their picture taken with a very famous, very phallic looking monument in the background.  Gulbis tweeted the photo, with this caption…

  “Michelle and I with Lincoln Memorial in background.”

  Like I said…atrocious.  Unless the government decided to rename the Washington Monument the Lincoln Memorial, in honor of Abraham Lincoln’s giant, slave-freeing dong.

  But I doubt that.

  I guess Natalie was made aware of her mistake, and posted a “correction” of sorts…

  

  Umm, Natalie…oh, never mind.  Stay pretty.

  [Dogs That Chase Cars, Natalie Gulbis' Twitter]

   

• 104-Year-Old Strongman Passes Away From Not-So-Natural Causes

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  This is not the way Joe Rollino should have gone out.  Not at 104-years-old.  You’d have to think at that age, he would have either passed away in his sleep, or died while having sexy time with his 80-something-year-old girlfriend.

  Alas, life isn’t fair.  Even to a guy who used to hang out with Harry Houdini.  Yeah, Harry “Freaking” Houdini.

  Rollino was famous back in the day for his amazing feats of strength.  He once lifted 3200 lbs at Coney Island, and even at his advanced age, was able to bend a quarter between his fingers.  The 104-year-old still exercised everyday, and no doubt would have seen his 105th this coming March..had he not been hit by a car.

  Seems Rollino was crossing a busy street in Brooklyn when the car struck him.  He suffered head trauma, a broken pelvis and broken ribs.  He passed away in hospital a few hours later.  The driver of the car was going the speed limit, and had not been drinking, according to police.

  I can only hope that the car, after tangling with one of the toughest SOB’s on the planet, is a total write off. [Fox News]

   

• From the NHL, to Convicted Felon, to…College Hockey?

  In Featured, NHL

  

  Mike Danton, the former NHLer (St.Louis and New Jersey), who served five years for plotting to kill his former agent David Frost (upon his release, Danton claimed he was trying to kill his father, not Frost), is attempting a comeback.

  Kind of.

  Obviously Danton understands that no NHL team would touch him after what he’s gone through, but you’d have to think that some minor league team would be willing to take a shot.  He did, after all, play in the pros–87 games over three years–and the publicity that goes with having a convicted felon suiting up for your team is sure to sell some tickets.

  But if Danton has aspirations to make it back to the show, he’s going to have to take the long, long route back.  And I do mean long.  Seems our boy here is pulling a Rodney Dangerfield, and going back to school (see what I did there…”Back to School” was a mid-eighties film starring Dangerfield.  That’s called relevant humor, kids).  Danton has enrolled at St. Mary’s University in Halifax, Nova Scotia.

  And despite being a 29-year-old frosh, Danton may be able to play for the Huskies, once some administrative red tape is cleared up.

  It’s probably a million-to-one shot that the kid makes it back to the NHL, but at least he’s trying to straighten his screwed-up life out, and at the very least, he’ll (hopefully) get a university degree when all is said and done. [National Post]

   

• The Japanese Version of Usain Bolt is Bizarre, Politically Incorrect

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  One of these days I gotta get to Japan.  When I think of Japan and Japanese culture, I picture karaoke bars, millions and millions of dongs, bizarre anime porn, and Godzilla.

  I think that’s pretty accurate, no?

  Right or wrong, to me anyway, Japan seems to be a pretty fucked-up place.  And the Japanese have done it again, this time with their bizarre take on Usain Bolt.

  This video, taken from a show called Kinchan and Katori Shingo’s All Japan Costume Grand Prix (not to be confused with the Super Terrific Happy Hour), contains almost everything that makes Japan great.

  Guy in blackface, portraying Usain Bolt (politically incorrect, I know, but Bolt is Jamaican.  You kind of have to make yourself into a black man to play a black man).

  Opponent, known simply as “Guy,” with a mask that’s been pulled straight from my nightmares.

  Girl in bunny costume, presenting Bolt with his gold medal.

  The only thing missing was a giant, inflatable dong and Mothra.

  [H/T to The Sporting Blog]

   

• Your Morning Wood for January 12th

  In Featured, linkgasm

  

  Duk at Big League Stew breaks down the Bob Costas interview of admitted steroid user Mark McGwire. [Big League Stew]

  Sean at 27pitches.com helps cheer up the fans of teams who lost this past wildcard weekend.  What a swell guy. [27pitches]

  Gatorade’s new flavor?  Tiger Woods Unfaithful.  Only available in Colorado…until the creator gets thrown in jail for food tampering. [Guyism]

  Joe Namath’s daughter Olivia likes going fast…and weed…and rum…and Miller Lite.  With fabulous mugshotty goodness. [You Been Blinded]

  Good: being able to deadlift 329 lbs.  Bad: depriving your brain of oxygen, and passing out.  Worse:  face first into a dumbell stand. [With Leather]

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  It’s Tuesday.  Deal with it.  This will help.  Or not. I really don’t care.