Home / 2010 / March

• Mural Artist Depicts Blackhawks Jonathan Toews as a Pig Man

  In Featured, NHL

  

  The appreciation of fine art is subjective at best.  What is pleasing to the eye to one person, may sicken and disgust another.  Me–I like crudely drawn dongs and crushed velvet paintings of bullfighters and naked ladies.

  But what do I know.

  I knows what I likes…and this mural of Chicago Blackhawks captain Jonathan Toews, I likes.  Why exactly?  Maybe it’s the steely determination in his eyes, or the way the artist captured the enthusiasm of the Chicago faithful as they cheer on their beloved Blackhawks to the Stanley Cup.

  Meh–it’s probably because Toews resembles a pig man.  Half pig, half man.

  

  I’m no artist, but I have to think that the most difficult portion of the human visage to draw has to be the nose, what with it’s protrusion from the face (see Streisand, Barbra), all the unsightly bumps and divots (see Wilson, Owen), and those always difficult nostrils (see Warwick, Dionne).  So no, I don’t fault the mural artist for Jonathan Toews’ apparent nasal deformity.

  Who knows?  With the way the NHL is going these days, Toews may end up looking like this one day after one of those legal, but not really legal, blindside hits.

  Whether or not Toews is the face of the new generation of pig men, or just the unfortunate subject of an artist with nasal perspective issues remains to be seen.  If it happens to be the former, Toews would be wise to remember his pig men forefathers…

  Yeah, I went there.

  [Assignment Chicago via Puck Daddy]

   

• Did The Rocket’s Rocket Suffer From Failure to Launch?

  In Featured, MLB

  

  Hoo boy, you know your career is in the shitter when you go from appearing on Celebrity Rehab, to marketing your very own sex tape.  Mindy McCready, come on down–you’re the next contestant on “My Life’s Ruined, So Let’s Ruin Someone Else’s!”

  And, unfortunately for Roger Clemens, he is that someone else.  See, even though McCready’s, ahem, “movie” features a sex romp between the former country singer and an ex-beau, Clemens plays a prominent, though probably not much appreciated, role throughout the flick.

  Other than the naughty bits between the participants, McCready is interviewed, and man oh man, does she dish on Clemens.

  First comes the obligatory “Roger Clemens and I did not have sexual relations until I was of age” statement.  Then McCready opens up about the man known as “The Rocket.”

  Seems that when the pair did start doing the old mattress tango, Clemens, according to McCready, was “good in bed.”  That is, when Roger could get it up.  Apparently “The Rocket” took many a trip to Flaccid Falls when he was with McCready.  Too bad for Clemens that Viagra hadn’t hit the market yet, because nothing bruises the puffed-up ego of the modern athlete worse than trying to bang an underage barely legal mistress with a limp noodle.

  Oh, but the humiliation doesn’t end there.  Not by a longshot, bub.  McCready continues by revealing that her one-time fiancee, none other than Dean Cain, bested Clemens in the lovemaking department.  That’s right–dorky T.V. Superman was better at laying the pipe than chemically-enhanced, 6-time CY Young winner Roger Clemens.

  Well imagine that.

  Look, I love a good celebrity sextape as much as the next perverse horndog.  But come on, as much as it pleases me to see Roger Clemens’ name dragged through the mud, I find the revelations McCready offers on her upcoming skin flick a bit too harsh, not for Clemens so much, but for his family.  I’m sure Clemens’ wife Debbie and their children would have appreciated a little restraint on McCready’s part, especially when it came to “The Rocket’s” alleged infidelities and shortcomings.

  [NY Daily News, Mindy McCready Image via]

   

• Your Useless Vehicle Accessory of the Day–The John Wall Windshield Wiper

  In Featured, NCAABK

  

  Unlike the real John Wall, this little item will still be found in Kentucky this time next year.  ZING!

  Honestly though, anywhere outside the Bluegrass State the owner of this vehicle would be pulled over by cops and beaten about the head, neck and face.  Inside the great state of Kentucky, however, this guy gets to drive in the carpool lane…backwards.

  Say what you will, this is infinitely better than the Sam Bowie mudflaps I used to own.

   

• Jeffrey Loria’s Gift to Hanley Ramirez a Diamond-Encrusted Tribute to Tastelessness

  In Featured, MLB

  

  That wonderfully ostentatious piece of bling up there comes courtesy of Florida Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria.  If you havent’ figured it out by know, it was a gift given to Hanley Ramirez for winning the 2009 N.L. batting championship, with a franchise-record .342 average.

  As per Loria…

  “It was a special accomplishment,” Loria said. “I just feel inspired from time to time to do things that players deserve, and players appreciate. Hanley did something magnificent last year. I thought about it at the end of the year, and I wanted to do something for him. We don’t wear jewelry on the field, but I know Hanley wears it off the field.“

  Ramirez’s pendant is made up of, get this, 394 diamonds, and if that weren’t tacky enough, there’s even a special teal diamond that represents the decimal point before the diamond-studded .342 average.

  Oy vey.

  Now, if you’re one of the few people who actually find this gaudy little trinket appealing, well, you’re in luck.  The Marlins are giving away replicas of the necklace to the first 5000 fans who show up for their Opening Night, this coming April 9, although I’m pretty sure the replicas, unlike the genuine article, are not made of diamonds.

  [Official Site of the Florida Marlins, with a H/T to Deadspin]

   

• UConn’s Newest Recruit Knows All About Backcourt Violations

  In Featured, NCAABK

  

  See that…that’s a humdinger right there.  She puts the “pow” in power forward, the, umm, well, that’s it…that’s all I got.

  I’m starting to understand why UConn’s women’s basketball program is so successful year in and year out–they’re willing to recruit players from any walk of life.  Case in point–they’ve culled their newest recruit from the world of porn.

  Brianna Banks, legendary star of such classic films as Full O’ Spunk, Titsicle, Young Buns 7 and Farmer’s Daughters Do Vegas, has verbally committed to the UConn Huskies for the 2011 season.  Quite the odd career change for a 30-something porn star, but I guess no stranger than Michael Jordan’s ill-fated attempt at a baseball career.

  Wait…what?  Different person?  Oh, I see–the porn Banks spells her name Briana, while the basketball player spells her Brianna.  My mistake..and my apologies to the soon-to-be guard for the UConn Huskies, Brianna Banks.

  Although the “other” Briana Banks would have made a pretty decent basketball player herself–good hands, not afraid of penetration, great ballhandler, and best of all, knows how to finish.

  [Courant]

   

• Sounds Like JaMarcus Russell’s Ass is About to go Supernova

  In Featured, NFL

  

  Seems like it was just last week that Willie Brown, Raiders director of squad development, was raving about JaMarcus Russell’s new, svelte look.  Wait, that was last week.  Yep, it was all of seven days ago that  Brown swore up and down that Russell would be nearly unrecognizable, and that not only had the Raiders QB lost a ton of weight, but that he was actually getting in shape.

  Either March 17 was opposite day in Raiderland, or Willie Brown was suffering from a serious case of heatstroke, because Russell isn’t quite in the great shape that Brown made him out to be….unless you consider Rosie O’Donnell to be a splendid physical specimen.

  Adam Schefter, via his Twitter account, has some interesting revelations about JaMarcus’, umm, figure…

  

  Great googly moogly–Russell’s pushing 300 lbs?  I’m no expert, but I think carrying around all that extra poundage will hamper his mobility somewhat.  Ah well, JaFatness can always fall back on his cannon arm and superb football intelligen…oh shit, nevermind.

  I think I understand why Al Davis and the Raiders are going so hard after Donovan McNabb–with McNabb, they’d have a proven quarterback under center, and more important,  a signal caller who doesn’t get winded reading the playbook.

  [PFT]

   

• Minor League Pitcher Pinched Paying for Poon

  In Featured, MLB

  

  Deunte Heath is a pitcher in the Atlanta Braves farm system.  He’s also one of the very few professional athletes who hasn’t mastered the art of bagging chicks using his money and fame.  Which left Heath with one of two ways of getting laid–the (alleged) Ben Roethlisberger “force ‘em into it” method, or by way of the world’s oldest profession, prostitution.

  Considering the two options, maybe it’s a good thing Heath chose the second option.  Except that when you’re buying sex off a hooker, it’s best not to get caught.

  Heath got pinched after getting caught in a sting operation set up by the Kissimmee Police Department, whereby the fuzz set up a fake Craigslist ad offering solicited sex.  The 24-year-old pitcher thought he was agreeing to pay $75 for a little nookie with a local “pro,” instead the cops charged him with two prostitution-related misdemeanors.

  Heath should be happy that the charges are only misdemeanors.  I’m sure 10 years from now he’ll look back on this and laugh.  In the meantime, if he’s too shy to actually go out and try hooking up with some femmes for a little slap and tickle, he can always do what I used to do–make it with a well-oiled baseball glove.  I’m sure he has one or two of those laying around the house.

  [WSBTV]

   

• “Joe Buck Live” is All But Finished–Unfortunately Joe Buck is Not

  In Featured, NFL

  

  So, the putrid, festering boil known as Joe Buck Live is more than likely done after only three excruciatingly bad episodes.  Not surprisingly, it doesn’t sound like too many tears are being shed over this one.

  I mean, even Buck himself doesn’t give a rat’s ass if the show is indeed finished…at least that’s how it came across in a recent interview he did with a St. Louis radio station…

  “I don’t know that HBO is too excited about having more talk shows,” Buck said, “I think there’s been kind of a shift in the philosophy there and where that show ends up in the wash, we’ll find out.”

  I think that HBO’s “shift in philosophy” is not so much about having more talk shows, as it is about having a talk show host that is a pretentiously smug prick, who has all the presence and showmanship of a flaming pile of burnt hair.

  Buck was seemingly nonchalant about the show’s uncertain future, noting that since there were only “nine more months on that contract,” it was not “that big of a deal either way.”

  Really Joe Buck…really?  We’re supposed to believe that a pompous ass such as yourself gives nary a shit about a show bearing your name, that featured yourself as host, being cancelled after only three episodes?  That is either an incredibly giant amount of smoke you’re blowing, or you just think we’re a bunch of ignorant, drooling halfwits.

  Buck added that he “won’t really miss” the show if it is indeed cancelled, as there was “a lot more effort and hassle than I ever expected.”
  

  Methinks the effort and hassle Mr. Buck speaks of is related less to the technical aspects of the show, and more to the fact that Buck actually had to think, act and react to other, more intelligent, wittier and engaging people, which was both mentally and physically draining to someone with his, for lack of a better term, personality.

  Now that Joe Buck Live is on it’s last legs, Buck can go back to doing what he does best–ruining NFL and MLB games with his prodigious douchebaggery.

  [H/T to Sports Media Watch]

   

• Hockey Fans Be a Fightin’ in the Cheap Seats

  In Featured, More Sports

  

  Simple premise–a Canucks fan and a Ducks fan decide to go at it in the stands.  Alcohol is involved.  I’ll say ‘Nucks fan wins the fight hands down…

  It’s fairly apparent where it went completely wrong for the Ducks fan…first of all, you never wear the opposing team’s jersey to a game unless you can take a shitload of verbal abuse, and secondly, you never, ever fight a guy one row up from you.

  My fave moment of the whole thing?  When ‘Nucks fan says “hold this for me,” before handing over his (overpriced and watered-down) beer to his buddy.

   

• You Won’t Find These Being Sold at The Masters Anytime Soon

  In Featured, More Sports

  

  It truly is the entrepreneurial spirit that shines brightest during times of crisis and scandal–the creative minds of men and women working at a feverish pace to design and create unique items…which they can turn around and make a buck off of.

  Which leads me to this.

  From the Karmaloop website, comes these stylishly hilarious “Frosted Hoes Tees,” which is a Tiger Woods based spoof of the popular breakfast cereal, Frosted Flakes.  And apparently Tiger’s hoes,well, “THEY’RE GRRREAT!”–although a more appropriate slogan would have been “THEY’RE SWWWIMMING WITH DISEASE!” or “THEY’RE SSSOMEWHAT ATTRACTIVE, EXCEPT FOR THAT FUGLY PERKIN’S WAITRESS!”

  Here’s the shirt, as modeled by some guy that either wants to kill me or sell me drugs…or both.

  

  See, see what they did there.  I did.  They took Tony the Tiger’s head and pasted it onto Tiger Woods’ body–because they’re both cartoon characters named Tiger.  The major difference between the two Tigers is that one is a whore-loving, sexually deviant golfer, while the other is a coke-addicted corporate shill…and I really don’t know which one repulses me more.

  One thing’s for damn sure–the gallery at the upcoming Masters tournament will look a whole lot more interesting with a few fans sporting these badboys.

  [H/T to Total Pro Sports]