Home / 2010 / April

• Matt Millen Needs to Learn How to Shut Up

  In Featured, NFL

  

  “So Jon, do you like movies with gladiators?”

  When everyone found out about Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland’s crass question to WR Dez Bryant about his mother being a prostitute, the general consensus was that he was way out of line. Even Ireland, after much public backlash, fessed up to the inappropriateness of his question and issued Bryant and his mother an apology.

  But as is always the case, there’s going to be some person willing to step forward, put their neck on the line, and come out looking like a douche for actually condoning Ireland’s question.

  Anyone else surprised that douche is former Lions president and GM, and current ESPN talking head Matt Millen? Yeah, didn’t think so.

  According to Millen, arguably one of the worst personnel evaluators in the history of the NFL, when it comes to grilling potential NFL rookies, “there are no questions that are out of bounds.” None, zip, nada…everything and anything is fair game.

  So, in Matt Millen’s world, Jeff Ireland was NOT out of line when he asked whether Dez Bryant’s mama turned tricks, the same way Millen probably wouldn’t have a problem if a GM asked a draftee whether they’ve performed a “Cleveland Steamer,” and if so, could they demonstrate?

  “We’re making a big deal out of something that’s probably not that big a deal,” he said.

  Sorry Matt, but these rookie interviews are akin to a job interview, and much like a sit-down between employer and potential employee, there are questions that are out of bounds, as you so eloquently put it…and Ireland’s question is right up there in terms of inappropriateness.

  I can only imagine just what kinds of questions Millen asked potential draft picks during his tenure as Lions GM…remember, this is the same guy who just recently gave a half-hearted apology to Polish people everywhere, after he referred to Ron Jaworski, on air, as “polack,” the guy who wasted high draft picks on Charles Rogers, Joey Harrington and Mike Williams, thus setting the Lions franchise back so far, it’s only now creeping towards respectability again.

  So, Matt Millen, do the whole world a favor and just shut the hell up.

  [The Huddle]

   

• Soon-to-be-Viral Video–Jeff Ireland, GM Inappropriate

  In Featured, NFL

  

  Gotta extend a big old tip o’ the hat to our great friends at Bob’s Blitz for sending us the hilarious video that the guys at Open Sports put together, aptly titled Jeff Ireland, GM Inappropriate.

  It’s better than 10 Super Bowls…hope I didn’t oversell it.

   

• Tiger Woods’ Latest Score? 120 Over Par

  In Featured, GOLF

  

  Now I understand why he sweats so much...

  I used to think that the National Enquirer was just a shitty little rag of a magazine, content to make-up stories about celebs in order to turn a profit. But ever since they broke the story about Tiger Woods’ affairs, I must say that I’ve changed my tune a bit when it comes to the Enquirer. They’ve turned into a forthright, and dare I say it, reputable, celebrity news magazine.

  At least I hope so, if for nothing else than the validity of their latest Tiger story.

  It seems like old news now, but try and remember that 45-day stint in sex rehab Woods did earlier this year. One of the requirements while at the facility was for Tiger to list all the women he had been with while married. I guess it has something to do with showing contrition, or honesty, or some damn thing. I’m only speculating here people…cut me some slack.

  So Tiger did as he was told, and listed all the women he had cheated on his wife with. As far as we know, that number was 15 or so, up to this point. However, the Enquirer is telling us that number is way, way higher. How high is it?

  120. Yowzer, that’s a lot of poon for one married guy to be tapping. 120 women over five years is 24 chicks-per-year. Not quite Wilt Chamberlain territory, but still, a few more women than Tiger needed to be giving his nine-iron to, if ya know what I mean.

  Wanna hear something weird? That number wasn’t even the one that pissed off Tiger’s soon-to-be-ex, Elin Nordegren, the most. Nope, apparently one is indeed the loneliest number…and the one that broke the camel’s back (or the Tiger’s bank account).

  See, Nordegren was most upset at the exclusion of the 21-year-old neighbor, Rachel Coudriet, that Tigs had the one-night stand with. It made her so enraged that she finally went ahead with the divorce proceedings, according to the Enquirer.

  Now let me get this straight–120 women, including a porn star (ewww) and a homely Perkins waitress, no big deal. But a one-night stand with a 21-year-old neighbor makes you lose your shit? Makes sense to me.

  [Fanhouse]

   

• Rockies Miguel Olivo is the Toughest Player in Baseball

  In Featured, MLB

  

  
  
  I’m not talking your average, run-of-the-mill tough either. Any guy can get nicked up during a game and keep playing. But Olivo, well, he takes toughness to a new level.

  How? By playing through the pain of the male equivalent of childbirth–the dreaded kidney stone.

  I, thankfully, have never had the displeasure of trying to pass a stone. I doubt very much my delicate urethra could take such pain. But Olivo, the Rockies catcher, has been dealing with those annoying concretions since 2003. One such concretion happened to show up recently, and Olivo had to pass it…during a game in which he was playing.

  It happened in the eighth inning against the Diamondbacks. Olivo, tough as nails, passed the stone in a bathroom adjacent to the Rockies dugout, and then, get this, strapped the catcher’s gear back on and went to work behind the plate.

  For real.

  The amazing part is what he did a few minutes later. He strapped on his catching gear and returned to his croutch behind home plate.

  Olivo explains it thusly…

  “Believe me, it’s not fun,” said Olivo. “Sometimes, when I’ve got that thing, I just want to die. But I can handle pain a little bit. Once it’s gone, I’m normal, I’m good. Let’s play baseball.”

  Oh, but it gets better.  Not content with being the toughest badass in baseball, Olivo went on to get a base hit in the ninth.  The next night Olivo passes yet another stone, gets another hit, and is immortalized into baseball legend.

  Miguel Olivo, on behalf of me and my urethra, we salute you.

  [Denver Post via Big League Stew]

   

• Open Season on Tiger Heckling at the Upcoming British Open

  In Featured, More Sports

  

  Sorry Tiger, but that protective cocoon you were shrouded in during The Masters won’t be available at St. Andrews when you’re playing the British Open this July.  Know what that means?

  Hecklers baby!  British hecklers…and there ain’t nothing you can do about it.

  Don’t bother complaining to R&A chief executive Peter Dawson–he’s gone on record saying that fans will be allowed to express their opinions because “we are not a police state.”

  But he did backtrack a little: “People can say what they like, but if they start putting players off then we will have something to say about it.”  Translation: spout off at your own risk, but if a player complains, you’re out on your ass.

  I doubt very much that Woods will be subjected to anything overly reprehensible…I mean, this is the British we’re talking about.  Between their inordinate politeness and eccentric phrases, the worst things Tiger will hear will be things like…

  “I say old chap, you gave that manky waitress a right good rogering now didn’t you?”

  “Ahoy, Tiger, how ’bout a bit of the old rumpy pumpy with me mum?  She may not be a good shag, but she makes some tasty bangers and mash.”

  “Tiger you wanker, try not to cock-up this putt like you cocked-up yer marriage.”

  “Well, you certainly did drop a clanger with yer mate, eh ya cheeky bugger?”

  “Oy, ya daft eejit, I hope you give that bloody John Thomas of yours a rest and try and keep your knickers on.”

  See what I mean?  If you were Tiger and someone with a thick British accent and atrocious teeth yelled something like that at you, would you get all riled up?

  Yeah, me neither.

  [Mirror.co.uk]

   

• Not All Tim Tebow Denver Broncos Jerseys Are Created Equal

  In Featured, NFL

  

  Sure, you could be one of the multitudes that propelled Tebow’s Denver Broncos jersey to the top of rookie jersey sales, but then you wouldn’t be unique now, would you.  If you truly love Tim Tebow, then you’ll want to stand out from the crowd of Tebow worshippers…and this is the jersey to do it.

  But you’d better act fast on this “one-of-a-kind” Tebow jersey–the eBay auction ends in just under two days.

  

  A few things jump out at me right from the get-go.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and question the “authenticity” of this item–it’s unique, for sure, but I doubt that this is actually NFL licensed apparel.  And what’s with the $99.99 starting bid?  Like my parents always taught me…aim low–it’s easier to fulfill expectations the lower you keep them.

  On the plus side, I do love the hearts around Tebow’s name on the nameplate…although angels would have been way more appropriate.  A+ on the use of duct tape as well.

  [H/T to Hot Clicks]

   

• Ladies and Gentlemen, I Give You…Wayne Roo-knee

  In Featured, More Sports

  

  Pop quiz hotshots…what happens when a 31-year-old Manchester United fan with a couple of titanium plates in his knee reinjures the same knee in a motorcycle accident?

  You get the soccer equivalent of the Jesus tortilla…ladies and gentlemen, I give you Wayne Roo-knee!  Get it…like Rooney, only Roo-knee.  I tell ya, sometimes comedy just writes itself.

  Rich Rigby is the fan in question, who managed to hobble his way down to the local pub after the accident, despite some oddly-shaped swelling in his knee.  It was at the pub that his friends noticed the eerie resemblance of his malformed knee to his favorite football player, Wayne Rooney.

  According to Rigby…

  “I was having a drink with friends and when I showed them my knee we realised it looked like Rooney, so our lass took a photo.

  “Everyone was laughing about it. It beggared belief – he is a legend and I never thought he would appear on my knee.

  “All his facial features were there, you could see his small ears, nose and he even had a beard like the real Rooney.”

  I’ve studied Rigby’s knee, alone, and alongside a picture of Man U’s Rooney–before and after downing a couple of pints.  And you know what, I saw it…I could actually see the angelic image of Wayne Rooney in Rich Rigby’s knee.  It may have been the extra stout ale I was guzzling though, because I also saw Cristiano Ronaldo’s face in my wife’s back hair.

  Now, have a look at Wayne Roo-knee as compared to the real Rooney, and prepare to have your mind blown…

  

  Frightening, isn’t it?  A few more pints and I won’t be able to tell them apart.

  Mr. Rigby is hoping that this is a sign that Manchester United is destined to win the Premier League, and that the real Rooney will have a smashing World Cup for England.  Me, I think it’s a sign that Rigby and his drinking buddies need to stay home from the pub a little more often.

  [Wakefield Express via Out of Bounds]

   

• Fred Smoot–the Waffle King of D.C.?

  In Featured

  

  
  
  Even though DB Fred Smoot was one of a handful of players cut by Mike Shanahan and the Redskins, don’t think he’s planning on holding a grudge. Far from it.

  Smoot is planning to bestow on the D.C. area the finest gift one man can give an entire city and it’s people…their very own Waffle House.  With any luck you’ll be able to find it in the D.C. area very soon, at the corner of 14th and U.

  “The thing about it is, D.C. loves me as much as much as I love D.C.,” Smoot said. “I’m always gonna be a part of D.C. I’m actually in the process of starting a couple businesses up here. I’m bringing Waffle House to D.C. — I think they’ve been yearning for it for a long time. My first location is right off 14th and U, so I’m gonna always be back and forth here, and D.C. know I love them.”

  And that, my friends, is what we call a classy and magnanimous gesture.  I’m all for charities and donating money and stuff, but we’re talking waffles here…sometimes round, sometimes square, but always delicious.  Damn, now I’m all hungry for some waffles…a couple of blueberry badboys would hit the spot right about now.  Where’s Fred Smoot when I need him?

  Props to Smoot and his plans on becoming a D.C. waffle magnate.  You’ve come a long way since the Love Boat scandal of 2005.

  [DC Sports Bog]

   

• Bucks Mascot’s Stunt Will Blow Your Mind

  In Featured, NBA

  

  I’ve never given much credit to the people that don the costume of the team mascot, mainly because it always seemed to me that their “job” consisted of ridiculous dancing, goofy slapstick and generalized stupidity.

  I will never think that way again.

  And neither will any of you after seeing this truly amazing stunt pulled off by Bango, the Milwaukee Bucks mascot, during the Bucks/Hawks Game 4 playoff tilt.  It involves Bango, a 16-foot ladder, a basketball, and a touch of insanity…

  Wow…I mean…wow.  That could’ve gone one of two ways–either he pulled it off, or death.  I’m glad it wasn’t death.

  The Bucks won 111-104 but really, who gives a damn.  That right there won the night.

  [Image]

   

• Happy Friggin’ Birthday to Us!

  In Featured, More Sports

  

  That’s right folks, today marks a year’s existence of the Last Angry Fan.  It’s hard to believe that its lasted this long, especially considering the drivel that I put out on a daily basis.  But with a little luck, and a lot of meth, we’ve made it baby!

  So now what?

  Well, after all my imaginary er, real and palpable friends bring over the Asian hookers, Pabst Blue Ribbon and kilo of coke, it’ll be business as usual.  What does that mean to you, the reader?  Actually, nothing really.  Just the same old crap that flows out of me like mustard each and every day, put into words and posted here for your perusal.

  What, you didn’t think we were going to get classy…or even better, readable, now did you?  Because if you did, you sir are sadly mistaken.

  Anyway, thanks to all those who’ve helped along the way by keeping me full of cheap beer and cheaper drugs, and for all six of my regular readers, who have nothing better to do than spend five minutes a day on this chintzy site because they got tired of looking at porn…you guys are awesomely delicious.

  Peace, love and soul.