Well, looks like Big Ben dodged yet another bullet, as Ocmulgee (Ga.) Judicial Circuit D.A. Fred Bright announced today that charges of sexual assault will not be pursued against the Steelers quarterback.  Roethlisberger was accused of sexually assaulting a 20-year-old woman in the bathroom of a Milledgeville, Georgia bar last month.  Bright says that there is insufficient evidence to prove that a sexual assault took place beyond a reasonable doubt.

I have no idea how Big Ben can keep getting himself into, and out of, these situations.  You would think that after all the flaptrap with the woman in Lake Tahoe, Roethlisberger would be a little bit more careful not to get himself in any kind of sticky situation.  You would think that, but you’d be wrong.

So, how did Roethlisberger ward off a date with the judge this time around?  Well, as usual, I have a few theories on that–actually more than a few.  Like eight of them–eight semi-plausible, yet mildly-droll,  reasons as to why D.A. didn’t charge Roethlisberger with sexual assault…

1. D.A. Bright was worried that his legal secretaries would be off sick, suffering from Carpal Tunnel Syndrome after typing Roethlisberger over a 1000 times.

2. Word out of Roethlisberger’s camp was that they were planning on calling Ray Lewis as a surprise character witness.

3. DNA results showed that Big Ben and his accuser were actually related–and in the state of Georgia, sexual relations between kinfolk is always considered legal and consensual.

4. Security footage from the night in question was accidentally taped over…wait, that really happened?  You lucky son-of-a-bitch…

5. Witnesses from the night in question had difficulty identifying Roethlisberger as the perp–they kept confusing him with Sloth from the Goonies.

6. Evidence strongly suggested that it wasn’t Big Ben at the club that night, but rather Tiger Woods wearing a Ben Roethlisberger mask (hey, 1 out f 8 Tiger jokes ain’t bad).

7. There was no real sex involved when Big Ben and his accuser were in the bathroom together–he was just showing her his Super Bowl cockring.

8. D.A. Bright had Roethlisberger as his starting QB in his Fantasy Football keeper league.