Home / 2010 / April (Page 2)

• Rays TV Analyst Kevin Kennedy–Keeping the Skies Safe Since 2010

  In Featured, MLB

  

  When I first heard about this, as I was listening to the Blue Jays/Rays game on the radio on my way home from work, my first thought was…Kevin Kennedy is a badass.  My second thought?  Put in the same set of circumstances, I wonder if I could step up to the plate (horrific pun intended) and do what’s right.

  After much thought and deliberation, I still don’t know.  I hate flying, but I hate dying even worse, and I’d like to think that if someone, through an act of random insanity, tried to take down a plane I was a passenger in, that I would take him/her out before they did the same to me.  I hope so anyway…truth be told, I am a huge chickenshit.

  One person who is not is Rays TV analyst Kevin Kennedy.  The former Red Sox and Rangers manager was a passenger on red-eye flight from Los Angeles to Tampa when a fellow first-class passenger started threatening to blow up the plane, which, in this post-911 world, is absolutely the last thing you want to hear.

  The passenger, Stanley Sheffield, was involved in a verbal altercation with a flight attendant, which alerted the slumbering Kennedy to what was happening.  This went on for a few minutes, until Sheffield sprayed the flight attendant with some water, and yelled that he was going to “bring this plane down.”  See, right there, that’s when I shit my pants, curl up in the fetal position on the floor, and start bawling for my mommy.

  Thankfully for the passengers and crew, Kevin Kennedy is not me.

  As per Kennedy himself…

  “He said, ‘I will take you all to hell with me.’ The thing we didn’t know, he went into the bathroom (next to the cockpit) and what I was told was that he was tearing up the walls, trying to get to the pilot,” said Kennedy. “In my mind, it was all pre-meditated. Later he was shouting that he was opening the (cabin) door to suck us all out.”

  Before Sheffield could reach the door though, Kennedy and seven other men subdued the disturbed man, and after a violent struggle, were able to keep him pinned down until the plane could make an emergency landing in Albuquerque, New Mexico.  Sheffield, who has bipolar disease (according to his ex-wife), was taken into custody, and is in jail pending a hearing.

  And Kennedy, always the professional, was still able to make it in time to do the color commentary on the Rays/Blue Jays game on Friday night.

  “I remember thinking, ‘I don’t want to go like this,’” said Kennedy. “Those seven guys were great. I have seven friends for life. Everybody has to be aware and be proactive if something like this ever happens.”

  The risky decision made by Kennedy and the seven other men to take on the troubled Mr. Sheffield paid off huge in the end…where was that critical decision making when he allowed Jose Canseco to pitch that time in ’93?.

  [NY Daily News]

   

• Boston Radio Host Likens Tebow Draft Party to a “Nazi Rally”

  In Featured, NFL

  

  
  
  Sports-radio guys are always looking for that angle, that hook, that will draw listeners in and keep them tuned to their respective stations. Sometimes their comments are edgy, even bordering on controversial, but usually reside in the area of good taste. I say, most of the time they do…not always.
  
  
  Take Fred “Toucher” Toettcher from Boston’s 98.5 The Sports Hub. With a terribly unclever nickname like that, I wouldn’t expect any sort of meaningful or insightful commentary into the Boston, or for that matter, national, sports scene from “Toucher.” Ergo, old Freddy there has to rely on his wit and comedy to carry him through his daily sportscast. If his recent comments on Tim Tebow’s draft party are any indication, I say it’s time for “Toucher” to hang up the old microphone.
  
  
  
  

  “It looked like some kind of Nazi rally. . . . So lily-white is what I’m trying to say. Yeah, Stepford Wives.”

  
  
  Oy vey…even though I knew it was coming, I can’t believe he went there. I have to assume that Toettcher was trying to be funny with that…he failed miserably, but still, you have to hope that was a piss-poor excuse at humor. If not, then “Toucher” has obviously been touched by the specter of pure ignorance.
  
  
  But maybe Fred Toettcher’s on to something here. The Tebow draft party was indeed very, very white…a little too white if you ask me. Reminds me of Thanksgiving dinners at my house…a plethora of chalky-white Caucasians just hanging out, chit-chatting about whatever it is us white people talk about. Maybe Tim Tebow, and other white folk like him, needs to follow suit and start having a token black guy (or girl) attend each and every function, just to add some color to the joint.
  
  
  Maybe they could hire this guy…I’m pretty sure he’d appreciate the work.
  
  
  
  
  
  [H/T to The Big Lead, Boston Herald]

   

• David Wells Ain’t Buying the Crap A-Rod is Selling

  In Featured, MLB

  

  
  
  Remember the brouhaha I wrote about on Thursday, where A’s pitcher Dallas Braden called out Alex Rodriguez of the Yankees for running overtop the pitcher’s mound on his way back to first, thus breaking an unwritten baseball rule that nearly caused Braden’s head to explode.  My take on the whole thing was pretty one-sided, and to no one’s surprise, I placed the blame squarely on A-Rod and his massive ego and history of douchetastic behaviour…which is my prerogative, seeing that this is my blog and all.
  
  
  It’s now two days later and hallelujah, there’s another balding fatass with the same perspective on the whole thing as me–only this guy has way more credibility.
  
  
  David Wells, never one to have a problem speaking his mind, blasted A-Rod for the move, and called bullshit on the Yankees slugger who said he never had heard of the unwritten rule.
  
  
  
  

  “A-Rod is full of [bleep], that he never heard of that,” Wells told The Post from San Diego yesterday. “He has been around the game long enough to know that.”

  
  
  Damn right, Boomer.  Baseball is full of these unwritten rules, that to the casual observer border on the juvenile and downright silly.  But many of the players, like Boomer Wells, don’t find anything about them strange or silly–they’re in place to help maintain the integrity of the game.  And while A-Rod has been blessed with many things pertaining to baseball, integrity isn’t one of them.
  
  
  
  

  “I totally agree [with Braden] ‘Get off my mound.’ I would have done the same thing with A-Rod, or anybody else. [Bleep] it.”

  
  
  There you go Dallas Braden–at least one very burly ex-pitcher has got your back.  Next time you face A-Rod, try and channel your inner Boomer Wells and stick one right in that purple-lipped freak’s ear.
  
  
  [NY Post]

   

• Lawrence Taylor Got Wasted on Draft Day

  In Featured, NFL

  

  Sorry, I’m being a little vague.  While that headline could be true for every draft day in the last 20 years, what I’m referring to is L.T.’s draft, way back in 1981.

  When asked how he spent his draft day nearly 30 years ago, Taylor just threw it out there–”I don’t remember too much, I had 41 Coors Light, so I couldn’t tell you.”

  This isn’t so unbelievable considering the source.  Sure, 41 beers is a staggering amount, but don’t forget, it was Coors Light, which is about 85% water and 15% beer.  Which meant that L.T. probably wasn’t so much drunk, as he was pissing like a racehorse.

  [H/T to Guyism, video via SI.com]

   

• Eric Belanger is a Rabid Anti-Dentite

  In Featured, NHL

  

  Sometimes in sports cliches aren’t all that cliche.  You know the one about hockey players being tough as nails–yeah, that’s no cliche, that’s the truth.

  Check out Eric Belanger of the Caps as he pulls his own tooth out, his fixtures loosened courtesy of Canadians defenseman Marc-Andre Bergeron’s high stick.

  Ugh…yeah, should’ve warned you about that.  My bad…won’t happen again.

  So it would appear that Belanger, like many hockey players, is anti-dentite–otherwise he would have let a certified DDS extract that loose tooth, instead of taking it upon himself.  Next he’ll be saying they should have their own schools–those people!

  Turns out that chiclet Belanger yanked out was just one of seven he lost in last night’s game.  If he loses two more he can apply to be a citizen of Mississippi.  Rimshot!

   

• Pens Fan Scores the Grisliest of Hat Tricks

  In Featured, NHL

  

  “Fire.  Scourge of Prometheus, toaster of marshmellows, eradicator of deadwood.” Sideshow Bob.
  

  Unfortunately for Robert Abrams, fire isn’t all that great at covering up a murder.  But I’m sure he’ll have plenty of time figuring that out in the next 25 years to life.

  Abrams was doing what any other Penguins fan was doing on Thursday night–enjoying watching the thrilling 3OT playoff game against the Senators.  Well, he was until his wife started getting on his case about staying up too late, being poor, and his being unemployed…all things that need to be discussed during an NHL playoff game I’m sure.

  Abrams retort was quick, excessive and to the point–he struck his wife Jeanette in the head with a hammer several times.  Surprisingly, 10 blows to the head from a hammer did not shut her up–however, the four stab wounds to the chest did.

  He hit her in the head at least 10 times with the hammer, Medical Examiner Karl E. Williams said, fracturing her skull before stabbing her at least four times in the chest.

  It was at this point that Abrams came up with his semi-brilliant plan to burn the house down.  As if killing his wife wasn’t dastardly enough, the prick blamed the fire on the dog, telling a neighbour who found him outside his burning domicile that the dog must have knocked over a candle.

  It took cops about two seconds to figure out that Mrs. Abrams was dead before the fire had started.

  “There was no indication she was alive at the time of the fire,” Dr Williams said, adding that such a cover-up would be “very difficult” to accomplish.

  Poor Jeanette Abrams–she might be alive today if Malkin or Crosby had ended the game early enough.  Does this mean they can be charged with accessory to murder?

  Abrams has been charged with homicide, arson and abuse of a corpse–kind of makes a Gordie Howe hat trick seem lame as hell.

  [Pittsburgh Post-Gazette]

   

• Deciphering Tiger Woods’ “Thank You” Letter to His Fans

  In Featured, GOLF

  Now that Tiger’s had time to reflect on The Masters, as well as his return to the public eye since “the incident,” Eldrick felt the time was right to give a great big reach around to his supportive fans, by way of a “thank you” blog posting on his website, www.tigerwoods.com.

  It’s a rather lengthy, seemingly honest and contrite, expression of gratitude from Woods to his fans for their unwavering support.  Yet, it seems totally out of character…well, out of character for the old Tiger.  Remember him?  Cold, calculating, more brand than man…we were led to believe he was gone, replaced by warm and fuzzy, tickle his tummy and he’ll giggle, Tiger Woods.  Yeah, that persona lasted about 6 holes into The Masters, quickly replaced by cursing, win-at-all-costs Tiger…the Tiger we all know and love feel more comfortable with.

  Now, getting back to the letter–if you’re wondering what the post might have read like had Tiger himself written it, instead of a grossly overpaid public relations team, then read on…

  I have to say it felt great to return to competition at the Masters Tournament. To actually contend in a major on the back nine Sunday and tie for fourth with very little preparation, with all that has transpired in my life, was pretty cool.

  Translation:  My PR group told me that The Masters would be the ideal tournament to make my comeback.  Hell, I’ve won the damn thing four times.  Could’ve been five if I had more time to prepare, but with the media constantly hovering around me, I couldn’t sneak off for a quickie with my fave porn star/stripper Joslyn.  A little backdoor action with her and I’d have gotten that ugly green jacket..instead of the raging case of blue balls I had all weekend.

  I honestly didn’t know what to expect from the fans, but they were absolutely incredible from Monday through Sunday. It was unreal. They definitely helped me mentally to be more comfortable out there. I was hoping for the best. To get that type of warmth is something I did not expect and will never forget.

  Translation:  Oh yeah, I knew you guys would back me up.  Even the older dudes in the crowd who claim to have morals and whatnot were cheering my ass on.  You know, they know…everyone knows that I am golf.  Getting comfortable mentally was the easy part–thanks to overzealous security, I knew hecklers wouldn’t bother me, and neither would any of my whores.  Now if only Michael Jordan could have come through with those F-16′s I wanted, those airplane banners wouldn’t have been such a nuisance.  Air Jordan my half-black ass.

  It also felt great to be in the hunt again, but unfortunately, I didn’t have my game. I knew I needed to make a run, but I just didn’t have one in me. I had a terrible warm-up session Sunday, and it carried over to the first tee.

  Translation:  I still can’t believe I lost!  Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

  As far as competing, it was just like riding a bike again. Once the tournament came, everything felt normal, and I fell into my old rhythm and routine. I didn’t even think about it; it just happened. My body knew what to do.

  Translation:  As far as competing, it was just like banging a Perkins waitress again.  I’m such a finely tuned machine, whether I’m nailing a chick on Ambien, or swinging a golf club, my body knows what to do.

  I tried and wanted to interact with as many fans as I could. One little girl gave me a letter on the third tee, which was awfully sweet. I knew a few people in the gallery, including my mom, which was nice.

  Translation:  Again, my PR team felt that I would appear more human if I interacted with you “people,” even though I wouldn’t cross the street to piss on any of you if you were on fire.  As for the little girl…I only took the note in the hopes that her tasty MILF of a mother left her number.  Unfortunately she didn’t, so later I wiped my ass with that letter.  It’s good to be me.

  It was also great to see all the guys. They had been asked a lot of questions in my absence and handled the distractions very well. I appreciate their support, but it felt good to try and beat them again.

  Translation:  They asked to smell my finger.  I let them.

  I received some criticism for bad language, which I apologized for immediately after Saturday’s round. It’s tough when you’re in a competitive environment and in the flow of a tournament. I’m not perfect. All I can say is I’m trying to do everything I can without losing my fire and competitive spirit.

  Translation:  Thanks to that goddamn CBS camera right in my face, I got caught being me…and had to apologize (thanks again, my stellar PR team).  I am perfect, by the way–it’s everyone else who is not.  And perfect people like me swear on the golf course–so, Jim Nantz, see that space between my balls and my asshole?  Eat it with mustard, douchebag.

  Although it was my first tournament using all V-grooves, it was a seamless transition. I played V-grooves in all my irons except my sand wedges at The Presidents Cup and for the remainder of the year, so it was a pretty easy change. I didn’t have much trouble adjusting to the sand wedges because I have the softest ball on the PGA Tour.

  Translation:  I’m still better at golf than you will ever be at anything in your life, whether I use new equipment or not.  The sand wedges were my bitches, and my balls are the softest on tour–you will know this, when I rest them on your chin.  And you will call me Teabaggin’ Tiger, and you will worship my soft balls, and beg for them on your chin.  And all will be good.

  Before I stop talking about the Masters, I want to congratulate Phil Mickelson on the win and for all it means to him, Amy and the entire Mickelson family. They have really gone through a lot this year, and I wish them good health from now on.

  Translation:  God, why did I have to lose to Mickelson and his man tits.  I have no respect for a married man who only has sex with his wife, and nobody else.  Go eat another Krispy Kreme Phil, you fat prick.  That green jacket is mine next year..and so is your wife.  Don’t fight it Phil…just go with it.

  I hear Lorena Ochoa is retiring from professional golf. Although we never played together, I met her several times, and she is a wonderful person and a great champion. The game of golf is definitely going to miss her. I hope she decides to stay involved in one form or another.

  Translation:  I’m gonna get me some retired Mexican poon!

  I also heard that the U.S. Open at Pebble Beach this year will be televised in prime time on the weekend. I think the last time NBC did it was at Torrey Pines in 2008, and the ratings were pretty good. The only time we can be on prime time is when the tournament is held on the West Coast, so we might as well take advantage of it. I think it’s great for golf.

  Translation:  You know what’s really great for golf–ME!  Know what’s even better–ME IN FUCKING PRIME TIME!  Know what’s best of all?  Three words…WEST COAST BITCHES!

  Earlier this week, I committed to THE PLAYERS Championship and the AT&T National. Obviously, that’s earlier than usual. The PGA Tour asked me to commit earlier if I could to help the tournaments with their planning and security. I completely understand and know they’re trying to help out me and the other players. Whenever possible, I will continue to do this going forward.

  Translation:  I committed to THE PLAYERS Championship and the AT&T National so that the television ratings went through the roof.  Despite all the shit that went down, I am still the PGA’s meal ticket.  They scratch my balls, I scratch theirs.  Can’t wait to see if the security team pulls the same stunt they did at The Masters, when they asked a fan in the gallery if she was “the stripper.”  ROFLMAO!

  Next week, I return to competition at the Quail Hollow Championship in North Carolina. Quail Hollow Club is one of my favorite courses on tour. It’s traditional, right in front of you, difficult, and you have to shape shots both ways. I managed to win there in 2007 and look forward to going back.

  Translation:  I win next week.  Book it…done.

  I took a little time off after the Masters to go scuba diving and spend time with my family. But I did enjoy a fun round of golf with my friend John Cook at Isleworth Country Club. I double-eagled the par-5 17th hole — the third of my life — with a 5-wood and shot 63, so my game is improving.

  Translation:  I took the kids for the weekend to see what life will be like once me and that crazy Swedish broad I married get divorced.  The kids will be alright with it…I’ll just use whatever cash I have left after the settlement to ply them with toys, candy and other shiny trinkets.  Kind of like I did with Rachel Uchitel.  Oh, and that last line is my pitiful attempt at a joke.  Pretty poor effort considering it took three comedy writers 18 hours to come up with that piece of crap.

  Finally, special thanks to all my fans for their well wishes and support. It means more than you know.

  Translation:  Again, PR team. Totally their idea.  If it were up to me, you’d all bow before me and kiss the grass as I walk up the fairway…death by golf cleat to anyone who dare look at me directly.

  Talk to you again soon.

  Translation:  Unless you’re Michael Jordan, Charles Barkley, or a Hooter’s waitress named Mandi, don’t hold your breath.

   

• Ben Roethlisberger Traded (It’s Not What You Think)

  In Featured, NFL

  

  Sorry Big Ben, but the Pittsburgh Zoo & PPG Aquarium will no longer be in need of your services.  Your replacement?  NHL Hall of Famer Mario Lemieux.

  The zoo has decided to swap Roethlisberger’s name and likeness with Super Mario’s for a display that compared elephant’s heights with other creatures.  Zoo spokesperson Tracy Gray said felt the change was necessary after some patrons complained about Big Ben’s image being used in the display, what with all of Roethlisberger’s recent controversy.

  The zoo’s choice of Mario Lemieux as Big Ben’s replacement was a simple one–besides being a well-known Pittsburgh athlete, Lemieux, like Roethlisberger, is 6-foot5.  However, the Penguins owner seems to be free of the nasty habit of exposing his penis to 20-year-old college students, unlike the Steelers quarterback.

  This may be the final blow to Roethlisberger’s fractured image–it’s pretty bad when the local zoo thinks your likeness is bad for business.  On the plus side, if the zoo ever has a display comparing animal’s that have gray dongs, well, I’m sure they’ll be calling Big Ben.

  [Seattle Times]

   

• A-Rod Proves He’s Still Lord of the Douche

  In Featured, MLB

  

  Welcome back to the top of Mount Douchebag Alex Rodriguez…the place hasn’t been the same since you left.

  Just when you thought some of that douchiness that seemed to envelope A-Rod might just be wearing off, he goes and does something to remind us all that a leopard can’t change its spots.

  In the sixth inning of their loss to the A’s, Rodriguez went from first to third on a Robinson Cano foul ball.  Retreating back to first base, A-Rod thought he’d forego the scenic route, and cut across the infield.  His path took him right over the pitcher’s mound, which is a big no-no in baseball–one of those so-called “unwritten rules” you here so much about.  You know, the ones that don’t mean shit to us, but to the guys playing the game, they are to be followed to the letter…unless your name is Alex Rodriguez.

  Oakland’s hurler, Dallas Braden, was none too impressed with A-Rod’s classless move…and he let him know it.

  “I was just trying to convey to him that I was still out there, that ball’s in my hand and that’s my pitcher’s mound. If he wants to run across the pitcher’s mound. Tell him to go do laps in the bullpen,” Braden said.

  The pair kept hollering at each other after Cano grounded into an inning ending double play, until A’s manager Bob Geren came out to escort his young pitcher off the field.

  “He should probably take a note from his captain over there and realize you don’t cross the pitcher’s mound in between an inning or during the game. I was just dumbfounded that he would let that slip his mind — being someone of such status.”

  Rodriguez had this to say about the incident…

  “He just told me to get off his mound,” Rodriguez said. “I was a little surprised. I’ve never quite heard that, especially from a guy that has a handful of wins in his career. I’ve never even heard of that in my career and I still don’t know. I thought it was pretty funny, actually.”

  Sorry, but that quote reeks of so much smarminess it could gag a maggot.  Nice dig there A-Roid, on how many wins the kid has…as if that matters.  Face up to the fact you broke an unwritten baseball rule, you egotistical, narcissistic, vainglorious, depicting-yourself-as-a-centaur prick.

  Next time the Yanks face Braden and the A’s, A-Fraud better watch himself…

  “I’m not really a speck on that guy’s radar but he’ll know after today that it might not be a good idea to run across the mound when I’m out there,” Braden said. “It’s not like I throw 95 (mph) and I’m going to hurt him. He’ll know I was there, though.”

  Snap!  Oh no he didn’t!  Oh yes he did…mmm hmmm!

  This isn’t the first time A-Rod has pulled crap like this either.  Let’s not forget the little “incident” against the Blue Jays three years ago, when Rodriguez yelled something to Jays third baseman Howie Clark, causing him to drop the third out of the inning.  Clark says A-Rod yelled “I got it,” but Rodriguez claims all he said was “HA!”  Based on what I know about Alex Rodriguez, I’m inclined to go with Clark’s version of the story on this one.

  [Big League Stew]

   

• Fordham Baseball Players Play the Old Fashioned Way–Ninja Style!

  In Featured, MLB

  

  I’m a little late to the party, since this video has already gone viral.  But it was too damn unbelievable not to post–plus it’s a video, so it pretty well writes itself, which is better than, say, me writing it, because of my enormous suckitude.

  What you’re looking at there is a screengrab of Fordham baseball player Brian Kownacki going Superman over the Iona catcher during a 9-run rally.  Fordham ended up winning 12-9, after trailing Iona 9-1 heading into the 8th.  But who’s gonna remember the score, or much of the game.  The only salient part of this game that people will remember will be Kownacki’s unbelievable leap.

  Here’s the incredible, and very legal, play in question…

  Simply awesome.

  [a big H/T to The Sporting Blog]