Sure, I get the whole “racing sausage” gag—it’s funny to watch grown men in sausage suits chasing each other around a field, tripping and falling, rolling around on the ground. It’s mildly entertaining for people over the age of 10…and I’m cool with that.
But sorry, those poor saps that don those sausage suits are lying (OK, half-lying) when they say that it’s a rip-roaring good time when they’re out there doing their schtick for the fans. I can’t imagine it’s very comfortable being covered in the equivalent of a full-body foam condom, running your ass off in the middle of a Milwaukee summer. Unless you’re one of those masochistic bastards who enjoys sweating your ball sack off in front of thousands of fans while dressed as a tasty synthetic casing filled with ground meat–if that’s you, then more power to you…ya weirdo.
Still, the racing sausages are tradition, and I’m all for tradition. Besides having the four sausages race during the game, the Brewers also have them partake in the Opening Day Klement’s Racing Sausages relay race. Basically the sausages run a relay race from the Klement’s factory to Miller Park, to deliver the first sausage of the season. The sausages, rather, the men playing the sausage roles, are advised to play to the crowd, but not speak, lest they ruin the “meat mystique,” which makes zero sense to me, seeing that at least two of the sausages have mouths. But what do I know about the “meat mystique” anyway?
Answer–very, very little.
So then, what harm could befall Guido, the Italian sausage (ably played by 51-year-old Kevin Carboni…yes, I too find it odd to have an Italian fellow playing the Italian sausage) when he went to high five a young girl and her grandmother during his stretch of the relay.
Let’s just say that the Italian sausage got nailed by another member of the pork family–a motorcycle cop. Irony, thy name is Guido.
And before anyone and everyone goes and jumps down my throat for the “cops are pigs” reference, just chill…it’s a goddamn joke. Get over yourselves.
Carboni wasn’t seriously injured in the mishap, and went on to finish his leg of the race, which is good to hear. Otherwise, this could have been a turn for the…wait for it…”wurst.”
What, no good? Are you serious? That’s gold Jerry…gold!