Home / 2010 / July (Page 2)

• Slightly Off Topic: Finger in Butt Crack Leads to Assault, Near Stabbing

  In Featured, More Sports

  

  Glancing at the title, you’d think that the person who had their butt cleavage fingered would be the one doing the assaulting, wouldn’t you?

  Well, you’d be wrong.

  A Dallas woman decided to run her finger along her friend’s butt crack for reasons unknown.  This caused the alleged victim to clench her buttocks, which in turn caused the bed she was sitting on to break.  Apparently the butt fingering woman really loved that bed, because she proceeded to lose it on the alleged victim.

  A fight ensued, and the suspect allegedly hit the victim numerous times before grabbing a butcher knife and ominously asking the victim, “Are you ready to die?”

  The victim called her attacker’s bluff, and notified police, causing the suspect to flee the scene.  The cops arrived and found the victim safe and unharmed, subsequently refusing medical treatment.

  As for the bed-loving, butt crack stroking attacker, she has yet to be found.

  [my FOX Dallas-Fort Worth]

   

• Kaye Cowher, Wife of Former Steelers Coach Bill Cowher, Passes Away at 54

  In Featured, NFL

  

  Steve Mellon, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

  Sad news out of North Carolina, as word spreads that Kaye Cowher, the 54-year-old wife of CBS analyst, and former Pittsburgh head coach Bill Cowher, has passed away after a bout with skin cancer.

  The couple have been married since 1981, five years after meeting on the campus of North Carolina State University.  Before she became Mrs. Cowher, Kaye Young was quite the basketball player, receiving a scholarship from NC State, then eventually suiting up in the now defunct Women’s Professional Basketball League.

  The Cowhers have three daughters, Meagan, Lauren and Lindsay, all of whom have followed in their mother’s footsteps by starring on the hardcourt.  The elder two sisters, Meagan and Lauren, have plied their skills for the Princeton Tigers of the Ivy League, while Lindsay completed her freshman season at Wofford College.  Bill and Kaye were regular spectators at their older daughter’s games.

  It goes without saying that our thoughts and prayers go out to the Cowher family at this most difficult time in their lives.

  [Post-Gazette]

   

• 5 Reasons Why Nobody Watched the Final Round of the British Open

  In Featured, GOLF

  

  
  
  Yeppers, the TV ratings for the Open Championship’s closing round were, in a word, abysmal. The numbers were somewhere in the neighborhood of a 2.1 rating, which translates to roughly 2.97 million U.S. households, making it the lowest-rated final round in tourney history.

  Compare that to the 3.8 rating (approx. 5.5 million viewers) for last year’s final round, when Stewart Cink defeated Tom Watson in a playoff at Turnberry.

  So why the dropoff you ask? I have a few theories…

  5. Many viewers were in hospital, recovering from seizures induced by John Daly’s technicolor pants.

  4. With Tiger Woods falling out of contention, ESPN lost viewership in the coveted 18-34 porn star, waitress and potential baby mama age bracket.

  3. People realized that no sport is worth watching without the constant drone of a thousand vuvuzelas.

  2. U.S. golf fans cheering for Lee Westwood were pissed when they found out he was British…and not the guy who sang ”Proud to be an American.”

  

  1. Louis Oosthuizen and a 7-stroke lead is no match for back-to-back episodes of “Ochocinco: The Ultimate Catch” and “The T.O. Show.”  Now that’s good watchin’.

  [H/T Golf.com]

   

• Miami Businesses Try Cashing in on the Ridiculousness of LeBronukkah

  In Featured, NBA

  

  
  
  Who’d a thunk it?

  Can’t say as I blame them though–in this uncertain economy, who among us wouldn’t try and snag a few extra bucks riding the coattails of one of the NBA’s biggest stars. Still, their efforts are, to say the least, dreadfully cheesy.

  Let’s start with the LeBron Burger now being served at OneBurger in Coral Gables. While not on the same gastronomic level as the LeBron MVP sandwich they serve at the Carnegie Deli, it is not without it’s own charms. It starts with a burger of Kobe beef (a nod to Kobe Bryant, who unlike LeBron, has won a few championships…ZING!), Swiss cheese, jalapeno peppers (to add heat–get it, heat as in the Heat of Miami…terrible, I know), and an onion ring, to symbolize the championship ring the team is expected to win now that LeBron has come to town.

  I give the LeBron Burger a 4 out of 10 on the cheesiness scale–it probably would have scored higher, but damn it does sound delicious. Like everything else, it could definitely use some bacon.

  Next up, The Gansevoort Hotel in Miami Beach is offering up the “Heat Suite” for fans of the team to spend the night, so long as they have $2500 to blow on a hotel suite. But for that exorbitant amount of money you get a few perks to enjoy–there’s private cabana access, an iPod with some of King James’ fave tunes, and you get to munch on some of LeBron’s choice of snacks. Oh, did I mention the suite also includes the use of a Ferrari F430? Yeah, that is pretty boss when you think about it.

  I give the “Heat Suite” a 7 out of 10 for cheese factor–while cruising South Beach in a Ferrari is seven kinds of awesome, and guaranteed to score you some sweet Miami beach poon, the LeBron snackfest and eclectic mix of tuneage are the sorts of things only diehard LeBron maniacs would dig. Your average Heat fan…not so much.

  Then we come to the “LeBroyal Treatment” at the Seven Seas Aveda Spa & Salon at the Newport Beachside Hotel, a $149 spa treatment that includes six different items (in honor of James’ new jersey number), ranging from the usual things like a massage and manicure, to a jet-ski rental, and finally a six-pack of beer.

  Ummm…sure.

  Sorry, but you need to put a little more effort and creativity into it if you’re going to cash in on LeBronamania…9 out of 10 on the cheese factor, only because you get a six-pack, and possibly a happy ending.

  [Seattle Times]

   

• Your Morning Wood for July 22nd (It’s Still Hot as Hell Edition)

  In Featured, linkgasm

  

  Here it is 2010 and we still can’t control the weather.  What the hell do we pay these fancy-dancy scientist for anyway?  And how come we can shoot a rocket around the world and hit a gnat in the ass, but there’s no cure for baldness.  Ah, it’s nice to see I’ve mastered the art of being cantankerous at such an early age…will make me that much more intolerable in my “golden years.”

  Jennie Finch, the only pro softball player anyone’s ever heard of, is retiring.  Know what this means?  Jennie Finch picture gallery! [Jockpost]

  Once again we’re trapped in the melodrama that is Brett Favre’s indecision.  Even his agent is calling him a drama queen. [Ted Williams Head]

  Michelle Wie had to pull out of the Evian Masters Pro-Am with heat exhaustion.  If only there was some clear, refreshing liquid that she could have taken to fight the heat. [Bob's Blitz]

  Uh oh…Raider’s fan got some explaining to do after he drove his car through a San Diego State coed’s apartment. [Busted Coverage]

  Tommy Lasorda sings the national anthem…and by sings, I mean butchers horribly.  FYI, The Sporting Blog is closing up shop…best of luck boys, we hardly knew ye. [The Sporting Blog]

  James “Lou Brown” Gammon, who played the manager of the Cleveland Indians in Major League, has died.  I still say he’s the best manager in team history, real or imaginary. [The Big Lead]

  Jimmy Johnson, 67-year-old former coach of the Cowboys, will be on the next season of Survivor.  I really have nothing to add to that…nothing at all. [Sportress of Blogitude]

  Video of an MMA fighter demonstrating how to perform a choke hold…on an infant. [Larry Brown Sports]

   

• Carl Crawford Shows Us All Why Wearing a Cup is a Good Idea

  In Featured, MLB

  

  Rays outfielder Carl Crawford suffered the most unkindest of male-related injuries on Tuesday night, after taking a pick-off throw from Orioles pitcher Jake Arrieta right to the twig and berries.

  Something tells me Crawford was playing sans protective cup.

  You can check out the cringe-inducing video here…

  Ugh.  Talk about a dead-nuts shot…that made me want to throw up.

  And just to add insult to injury, Crawford was tagged out by O’s first basemen Ty Wiggington while writhing on the ground in pain.

  Double ouch.

  [Vid courtesy of Deadspin]

   

• Kevin Kolb is One Bad Mother…Shut Your Mouth!

  In Featured, NFL

  

  Eagles QB Kevin Kolb has been handed the reins of the the Philly offense, now that longtime fixture Donovan McNabb has been sent packing off to the Redskins.  You’d think that would be a tremendous amount of pressure on young Kolb, especially with the quick-tempered Eagles fanbase ready to jump down the kid’s throat the minute he screws up.

  But Kevin Kolb is cut from a different cloth, and that’s an understatement.

  Kolb is what we city slickers like to call an “outdoorsy type” of person, and by “outdoorsy” I mean he is quite the avid hunter.  How avid?  Let me put it this way–the man likes to hunt wild hogs, armed with only three things.

  His dogs, a 12-inch Bowie knife, and his ginormous balls of steel.

  Need more proof that Kolb is 100% pure American badass?  Listen to this retelling of a 17-year-old Kevin and his girlfriend (who later became his wife) and their encounter with a rattlesnake.

  Via NFL Fanhouse…

  The quarterback slipped off one of his boots – this is why real outdoorsmen wear them – attached it to the end of a stick that he picked from the ground and dangled it in front of the hissing western diamondback. The rattlesnake struck the boot. The boot danced and the snake struck again. And again. Nearly 10 times the snake attacked the boot. Until, finally, the snake recoiled and lay lifeless on the ground. What do you know? It worked. That show on the Discovery Channel reported that a rattlesnake will play dead when prey doesn’t fall victim to its spectacular bite.

  Continue…

  So the quarterback reached down and plucked the rattlesnake by its neck and held it out. With his other hand, he retrieved the .38 caliber handgun fastened to his hip and fired a round into the rattler’s head. He then used his favorite pocketknife to cut off the rattles. Thirteen of them!

  FYI…the snake ended up being around 5-feet in length, which makes this story that much more impressive.

  There you have it Eagles fans–while the jury may be out on Kolb’s quarterback prowess, the mere fact that he took down a rattlesnake with a boot, his wits, and yes, a handgun, should put to rest any questions about your new QB’s toughness.

  Take pleasure in knowing you have the NFL’s version of Chuck Norris lining up under center this year.

   

• Larry Fitzgerald on a Prosthetic Leg is Surprisingly Awesome

  In Featured, NFL

  
  
  If you’re like me, then there’s no doubt you’ve spent countless hours wondering just what Arizona Cardinals wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald would look like if he were on a prosthetic leg.

  Well wonder no more.

  Via Fitzgerald’s Twitter account comes this photo of a fan’s prosthetic leg adorned with the likeness of Fitzgerald himself, and if you ask me, it looks phenomenal…

  

  Almost makes me wish I had a prosthetic leg, without the whole “losing my limb” part of it though…which, when you think about it, really wouldn’t work at all.

  Either way, I salute you, one-legged Arizona Cardinals superfan.

   

• Cleveland Brewery Latest to Jump on the “Dump on LeBron” Bandwagon

  In Featured, NBA

  

  OK Cleveland, time to move on.  Hey, I’m all for holding grudges and whatnot, but really now, this is getting kind of pathetic.  Yes he dropkicked you in the gut, and yes, you’re pissed at him for leaving, but no, he’s not the reason why you got a DUI, and he’s definitely not the worst sports figure in Cleveland sports history (see Modell, Art).

  He’s made his decision Clevelanders—get over it.

  But I digress.  The latest entry into the “Dump on LeBron” sweepstakes comes from Great Lakes Brewing Company, who have released a beer in LeBron’s “honor,” and by “honor” I mean they take a sh-t on his Highness.

  The India Pale Ale, known for it’s dry hops and bitter aftertaste, is called Quitness, and it’s only here for a limited time.  Apparently Cleveland fans are pretty fond of beers with a bitter aftertaste, because Great Lakes said they sold out 30 gallons of this stuff in three hours on Wednesday.

  As per Great Lakes Brewing Company…

  “Quitness”, named for obvious reasons given the recent “Decision”, is a cask conditioned, dry hopped India Pale Ale that is as bitter as the mood of Cleveland these days!

  What, you mean it doesn’t taste like sour grapes?

  As for the secret ingredient that makes it so bitter, I’m sure the brewery will say it’s the hops, but I think it’s the tears of disappointed Cavaliers fans myself.

  [LA Times]

   

• Pic of the Day: Is Ochocinco Auditioning for a Role in The Hangover 2?

  In Featured, NFL

  

  Why is it that seeing a picture of Chad Ochocinco in nothing but his boxer briefs and socks, playing a slot machine in Las Vegas, doesn’t faze me in the least?

  One question though–where does he keep his roll of quarters?  Scratch that, I really don’t need to know.

  [Twitter]