Titans RB Chris Johnson and country music singer Faith Hill recently got together to share some vittles and a little informal chit chat, thanks to the NFL Network.

What starts out as some folksy Q & A between two Music City icons turns awkward and uncomfortable faster than CJ outrunning a linebacker.

Video after the jump…

So, that was, um, something.  Those two go together like cocaine and waffles, which is my cutesy way of saying that they don’t go together very well at all.

Let’s go over what we learned here…

• Deion Sanders’ lame joke about Hill and Johnson both being from the hood is nearly as crappy as that awful ensemble he’s wearing.  I mean, who chose that outfit for Sanders, Stevie Wonder?
• Faith Hill thinks Chris Johnson is fast and exciting.  Johnson is aware that Faith Hill is famous for being a country music singer.
• CJ gave Faith an autographed jersey, while she gave him nothing.  Someone’s getting fired for dropping the ball on that one.
• Swett’s restaurant must be the most famous cafeteria in all of Tennessee.
• Faith Hill is lovely.
• Johnson likes to scarf down Wendy’s 10 piece chicken nugget meal on gamedays.  Hill likes to answer questions she asks other people, thinking that they actually care.
• Faith Hill really, really digs CJ’s mouth full of gold teeth, jokes she should get some.  Seriously, this was actually part of the conversation…I wish I was making this up.

[H/T to SB Nation]

Cue sad trombone.

It’s been a long time coming, but it looks like Saints RB Reggie Bush is about to lose a little weight—in the form of his Heisman Trophy.

According to multiple sources, The Heisman Trophy Trust, after conducting it’s own three month investigation into Bush’s wrongdoings while at USC, is going to revoke the Heisman Bush won in 2005.  It will mark the first time in 75 years that a player will have been stripped of the Heisman Trophy.

Bush will officially be relieved of his trophy at the end of this month.

Somewhere Vince Young is dancing with joy…shirtless, sweaty and surrounded by young men.

/well, VY does have a history
//not that there’s anything wrong with that

[Yahoo, Bush Image]

Why?

Because the network went and did something so puzzling and reprehensible that it is beyond belief.

They hired Joe Theismann.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Theismann, that great big bag of wind, will join Bob Papa and Matt Millen in the broadcast booth for NFL Network’s eight-game Thursday Night Football package, starting November 11.

As per the network…

“Joe is one of the premier analysts in the business,” said Eric Weinberger, executive producer NFL Network. “With Joe joining Matt, we have two former Super Bowl-winning players who had long and distinguished playing careers before making successful transitions into broadcasting. Joe will add his strong opinions and analysis to a booth that already features two men who live and breathe NFL football. We are sure there will be great debates and entertaining analysis on our games this season.”

Premier analysts?  Entertaining analysis?  Did Eric Weiberger have a stroke or something?  Theismann is nothing more than a tedious bore who adds nothing to game analysis, but enjoys the hell out of talking about himself.  Everyone who subscribes to the NFL Network better make sure their mute buttons are in proper working order.

Hearing this news makes me wish Lawrence Taylor would have broken Theismann’s mouth instead of his leg.

[NFL.com]

Stuck in a 3 for 32 slump, Aubrey Huff, that fine utility player for the Giants (and a stalwart on my fantasy team), is trying a most unconventional way of reversing his fortune at the dish.

Seems he’s taken to wearing a red thong while playing.

Now, I don’t mean a thong as in the repulsive banana hammock you find overweight European men sporting at the beach, or the type that David Hasselhoff used to model on posters back in the 80′s.

No, Huff is wearing the lacy, frilly undergarments normally reserved for a woman, or a transvestite hooker.  My question is, how are his boys getting the support they so desperately need?

While the change in underwear hasn’t helped at the plate, the Giants are 3-1 when Huff is sashaying around the field in his red anal floss.

Andrew Baggarly, writer for the Giants blog Extra Baggs, makes a pointed observation regarding Huff’s thong…

Speaking personally, the last thing we need is for Huff to go 4-for-4 with the thong. Then he’ll wear it the rest of the season. Ordinarily that wouldn’t be a problem, but he walks around the clubhouse in it. He conducts interviews wearing only his thong. I’m not sure about this, but I think he wears little else while in the food room, too.

As awful as that sounds, and really, that is pretty disgusting, it could always be worse…Huff could start wearing his thong backwards.

[Extra Baggs via Larry Brown Sports]

Not much to say about this one–Dodgers fan during batting practice obviously doesn’t bother to pay attention to the balls flying around him until he takes one off the melon.

It’s the most basic form of humor, and yet it still works, mainly because a) it’s not me, and b) I don’t know him.

I will say this about the guy–other than he needs to pay more attention–despite looking like quite the nerd, he’s pretty damn tough.  That was a frozen rope he took off the head, and still he managed to stay conscious.

Video after the jump…

Slow motion replay for the win!

Michael Lynn Sherer wasn’t about to let a little thing like incarceration pending his murder trial stop him from his one true love—NASCAR.  So he did the only reasonable thing he could think of.

He escaped.

After busting out of the Winston County Jail in Alabama, the 51-year-old Sherer trekked to Hampton, Georgia, home of the Atlanta Motor Speedway.  Without sufficient funds to purchase tickets to Sunday’s Emory Healthcare 500 Race, Sherer tried bartering with vendors using his best available resource.

His .22 caliber pistol.

Amazingly enough, one vendor obliged, trading the convict a pair of tickets to the race for his pistol.  It was about this time that vendors made Hampton police officer Eric Hayes aware that a guy was trying to swap his gun for some ducats.

Hayes approached Sherer as he made his way back to The Waffle House, and was certain something wasn’t right with the man when Sherer, who initially used his h0micide victim’s name as an alias, couldn’t remember his date of birth.  Of course, anyone would have trouble remembering their birthday, what with The Waffle House beckoning in the distance.  But I digress.

“[Sherer] kept stumbling with a date of birth, so just from our experience and training, we knew something was going on,” said Hayes. “It was pretty obvious.”

Sherer finally broke down and told the police his real name, and was subsequently arrested on the outstanding murder and jailbreak charges.  He was extradited back to Alabama this past Thursday.

[WSBTV.com via Deadspin]

If you read my daily link dump this morning (and if you didn’t, thanks for nothing a-hole), then you’ll remember me mentioning a fight in the stands at the U.S. Open between an old guy and a New York douchebag that ended with the old guy rolling down a few flights of stairs before security intervened.

The video has been making the rounds pretty well everywhere, which isn’t surprising seeing that it’s the most exciting thing ever witnessed during a tennis match, and that includes Anna Kournikova’s tantalizingly short skirts.

The initial video of the fight was great, save for the sassiness of the commentator, but thanks to our friends at Out of Bounds (go there, enjoy, come back) we can give you an even better view of the action, including the initial slap by old guy’s female companion.

Video after the jump (NSFW for obvious salty language)…

From what I can gather, woman and old man were offended with Jersey Shore reject’s constant F-bomb stream, called him on it, which he didn’t take to kindly.  Everybody gets all up in everyone else’s face, woman slaps the d-bag who nearly retaliates before laughing it off, tells the woman “I’ve got a lot of money on the game” (wait…what), she sits down, d-bag spouts off one last time, old guy comes over, gets d-bag in headlock, and both go tumbling down over the seats.

Sound about right?

As much as I have a problem with mouthy douchebags like this guy (dude, easy on the had gestures too), the fault clearly lies with the old guy and the woman.  The proper thing would have been to go to security and complain, then let them handle the problem.  No matter how valiant it was for the old bugger to defend his companion’s honor, mixing it up with a guy twice as young and in five times better shape than you never ends well—a point which the video makes quite eloquently.

UPDATE: From the Washington Post, via Out of Bounds…

According to the New York Post, the brawl stemmed from an issue over vocabulary. “He said, ‘You’ve got a problem? Go ahead and hit me,’ and she slapped him across the face,” a source told the Post.

All three fans were taken the 110th Precinct in Queens, Tim Curry, a spokesman for the United States Tennis Association, said. They were not charged; rather, they were given trespass warnings and told not to return to the Open for a certain amount of time, the New York Times reported (authorities were not aware of the duration).

[Out of Bounds]

Welcome to Your Morning Wood, LAF’s daily link dump.  It ain’t much, but it’s all we got, so try and enjoy it…that’s all I ask, just try.

Seeing that it’s Friday, fabulous fantastic Friday, I’ll keep it short and sweet.  Have fun this long weekend my friends, but please, go easy on the blow and hookers.  That sh-t gets expensive…trust me on that one.

We’ll always have Friday…

Brian Billick thinks Jerry Jones should coach the Cowboys.  Wait, doesn’t he do that already? [Larry Brown Sports]

Great family moment as LeBron takes his kids to Sears for a family photo, trophies in tow.  Conspicuously absent…LeBron’s woman. [Sportress of Blogitude]

Are the Cincinnati Reds of 2010 the same as the Tampa Bay Rays of 2008?  All signs point to yes. [JOCKpost]

Reggie Bush’s current girlfriend offered $1 million to do porn.  I’ll throw my $5 in the hat if it’ll help get the deal done. [Ted Williams Head]

Old man vs. young douchebag in the stands at the U.S. Open.  [Bob's Blitz]

The Legend of Cecilio Guante (classic!) gives us 15 reasons to rejoice over the college football kickoff.  Well done men…well done. [Legend of Cecilio Guante]

Brandon Spikes loses $60,000 endorsement deal from Reebok, all because he got a little toque on Chatroulette. [The Big Lead]

Kid wins golf tourney, then promptly disqualifies himself when he finds he has too many clubs in his bag.  That there is one honest kid. [Out of Bounds]

Jonathan Lee Riches, like most people currently incarcerated, has a lot of free time on his hands.  Some exercise, some work towards obtaining a college degree, and some file hand-written lawsuits against public figures, both dead and alive.

Well, that last one may be unique to Riches.

During his time in prison for wire fraud, the quite obviously imbalanced Riches has filed lawsuits against such well known people as Bill Belichick, former President George W. Bush, Britney Spears, Mike Vick, Perez Hilton and Terrell Owens.

Riches is at it again, and let me tell you, his latest lawsuit is a whopper.

This time around, Riches has a laundry list of individuals from the world of sports, including Carmelo Anthony,Dwyane Wade, Jerry Buss, Mark Cuban, Jerry Reinsdorf, and, although not named as defendants, Nolan Ryan and Robin Ventura.

Melo seems to be the focus of Riches insanity fueled ramblings, as you can tell from these excerpts from the “lawsuit.”

All aboard the crazy train…

Carmelo Anthony told me he is going to kill me.  I’m writing a tell all book on Anthony.  I was his former boyfriend and we were in a sexual relationship in 2000.

Anthony melt my Popcicle.  Anthony gave me a STD in 2001.  Carmelo Anthony worked as a undercover narcotic cop in Baltimore and was snitchin.

Carmelo Anthony cheated on his wife LaLa with Dwyane Wade’s ex-wife who gave Anthony fellatio in I-95 traffic.

I have a picture of Carmelo Anthony and Dwyane Wade snorting cocaine on Kate Moss’ lap and another photo of them having homosexual sex shooting steroids into each other at Barry Bonds house.

Mark Cuban assaulted me serving ice cream at Dairy Queen.

Nolan Ryan threw 100 mph fastballs at my head and he and Robin Ventura beat me up at the Church of Jesus Christ.

Jerry Buss accused me of raping him and Kobe Bryant in Boulder at JonBenet Ramsey’s house.

And there’s plenty more unadulterated wackiness where that came from.  Click here to read the lawsuit in it’s entirety…trust me, it’s worth it.

Jonathan Lee Riches–making Andy Dick look positively sensible one preposterous lawsuit at a time.

[Dallas Observer via Deadspin]

Say hello to Your Morning Wood, LAF’s barely readable daily link dump.  Well, the links themselves are enjoyable, the drivel I lead with is not.

Finally college football season is here.  Sorry baseball, it’s been fun, but the gridiron is where it’s at.  Now if only the NFL would start, all would be right in my perverted little universe.

Thank you for your continued support of this site…I love you all, and send a virtual reach around in your direction.

Now is the Thursday of our discontent…

Usain Bolt wants to play for Manchester United.  Sure, why not? [Total Pro Sports]

The dude who plays the Penn State Nittany Lion mascot got busted for underage drinking.  No word on whether he was loaded AND in the suit…that would be awesome. [Ted Williams Head]

Roger Federer has got it going on between his legs.  Not like that, sickos. [JOCKpost]

WWE rookie Diva Aloisia is huge…like 6’9″ huge, with legs like tree trunks that could snap a man’s neck like a straw.  Anyone else as turned on as me? [Sportress of Blogitude]

Nyjer Morgan is making Milton Bradley look like Wilford Brimley.  His latest transgression?  Charging the mound against the Marlins, then getting clotheslined. [Larry Brown Sports]

Iowa lineman on moped vs. oncoming truck.  Truck wins, moped loses, and lineman walks away unscathed.  And he’s just a backup! [Bob's Blitz]

And now the stupid lawsuit of the day, brought forth by a kid and his family who need to be melted down and used for parts goes to…

Kid shocks himself with nipple clamps, sues teacher for not warning him of the dangers of electricity and nipple clamps.  I weep for our future. [The National Ledger]